Jokes Journal

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Could Noah build his ark today?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Looking Good

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may
have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am
going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water
until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the
righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on
earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for
an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and
agreed to build the ark.

“Remember,” said the Lord, “you must complete the Ark
and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard
weeping. “Noah!” He shouted. “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord, please forgive me,” cried Noah. “I did my best,
but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your
plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into
a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed
a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard,
so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the
Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service
that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However,
the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.
Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only
two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement
on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to
the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of
the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of
the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I’m building the
Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind
of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational
water craft’.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the earth, it’s a religious event, and,
therefore unconstitutional.

I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five
or six years.”

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to
shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched
across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you’re not going
to destroy the earth, Lord?”

“No,” He said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government
already has …”

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While her husband was lying down, his wife
removed his glasses. “You know, honey,”
she said sweetly, “Without your glasses you
look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my
glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.