Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Police Emergency
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Little Johnny and his Teacher

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian,
Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him
that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the
door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in
the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked
“Is someone in your house?” and George said no and
explained the situation.

Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply lock his door and an officer would be there
when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned
the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry
about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars,
an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George:
“I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said,

“I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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The teacher wrote on the blackboard:

“I ain’t had no fun in months,” then asked the class,

“How should I correct this sentence?”

Little Johnny raised his had and replied,
“Get yourself a new boyfriend.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Pre-birth Class
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Supply & Demand

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When our second child was on the way, my wife and
I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had
already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to
the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love
you so much we decided to bring another child into this
family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your
husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love
you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’”

One of the women spoke up immediately…

“Does she cook?”

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A lady goes into a furniture store. She picks out
a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.

She finds out the price is $69.95 and says,

“Hey! down the street at Mitchell’s these are only
$49.95″

The owner asks why she doesn’t buy it from Mitchell’s,
and she says, “Because they just ran out of them.”

The owner throws up his hands and says,

“Ha! When I’m out of them, they’re only $29.95 here!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Fight Like a Man
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) During the World War II

Three men were sitting in a bar lying about how
they had their wives under their thumb.

The first two kept bragging about how they could
get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, “I have
my wife so under my thumb that the other day I had
her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.”

Both of the other men were very impressed and
asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied, “Well, I was laying under the bed
and she crawled over and said, ‘Come out and fight
like a man!’”

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During the World War II, an American warship was
attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading
towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable.

So the captain told the navigator to go down to the
crew quarters and tell a joke or something – at least
they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew,
“What would you think if I could split the whole ship
in two by hitting my head against the table?”

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator whammed
his head on the table. Just when the head hit the table,
a huge explosion tore the ship apart.

The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the
navigator, “Well, the crew really laughed. What did
you do?”

The navigator told him.

The captain replied, “Well, you better be careful with
that head of yours … The torpedo missed!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Remembering the Anniversary
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Little Johnny Can’t Count

A woman awakes during the night to find that
her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to
look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen
table with a cup of coffee in front him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his
eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she
steps into the room. “Why are you down here
at this time of night?”

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20
years ago when we were dating, and you were
only 17?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so
caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming
easily. “Do you remember when you father caught
us kissing in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself
into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, “Do you remember when
he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either
you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years!”

“I remember that too”, she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,
“I would have gotten out today!”

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“If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you
asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents,
how much money would you have?”

“One dollar,” answered Little Johnny.

“You don’t know your basic math,” said the teacher
shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, “You don’t know
my daddy…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) The Stranger and the Golfer
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Just before Christmas

A stranger walks up to him and whispers,
“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his
answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps
this is a good omen and will put him in the right
frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says,
“OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy,
if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes
an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet
another eagle to win. Though he says nothing,
the stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would you be willing to give up the rest of
your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger
walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really
not been fair with you because you don’t know
who I am. I’m the devil and from now on you
will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s
Father O’Malley.”

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Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous
lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a
very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill
lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.