Welcome to Friday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) Hillbilly Collapsed
2) Painting a Porch

During a recent hot spell in Atlanta a hillbilly
collapsed on the street. Immediately a crowd
gathered and began offering suggestions.

“Give the poor man a drink of whiskey,”
a little old lady said.

“Give him some air,” a man cried out.

“Give him some whiskey,” she cried again.

Several other suggestions were made and the
victim suddenly sat up and hollered,

“Will all of you shut up and listen to the
little old lady?”

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Wanting to earn some money, John decided to hire
himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing
a wealthy neighborhood.

He went to the front door of the first house and asked
the owner if he had any jobs.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you
charge?”

John said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed
and told him that the paint and ladders that he might
need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the
house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,

“Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?”

The man replied, “He should. He was standing on the
porch.”

A short time later, John came to the door to collect his
money.

“You’re finished already?” the man asked.

“Yes,” John answered, “and I had paint left over,
so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” John added, “that’s not a Porsche …
it’s a Ferrari.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) In the Sleeping Carriage
2) Inheritance

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman
who have never met before find themselves in the
same sleeping carriage of a train. It’s late, the train
is full, and everyone else is already asleep.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage
to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man
on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and
says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold
and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me
another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says,
“I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Now get your own blanket…”

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A man went to his lawyer and stated, “I would like
to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go
about it.”

The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.”

The man looked somewhat upset as he said, “Well,
I knew you were going to take the biggest slice,
but I’d like to leave a little to my children, too!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) Cold Cream
2) Shopping with Patience

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently
rubbed cold cream on her face.

“Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?”
he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream
with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

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A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a
three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the
cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies,
and her mother told her no.

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss,
and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just
have half of the aisles to go through — don’t be upset.
It won’t be long.”

Soon, they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl
began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have
any, she began to cry.

The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry — only
two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl
immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into
a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no
gum purchased.

The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through
this checkout stand in 5 minutes, and then you can
go home and have a nice nap.”

The bagger followed them out to the parking lot and
stopped the woman to compliment her,

“I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with
little Monica,” he began.

The mother replied, “My little girl’s name is Tammy.
I’m Monica.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) Job Opening in a Law Firm
2) Writers Quotes

There was a job opening in the country’s most
prestigious law firm and it finally came down to
Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude
from law school. Both came from good families.
Both were equally attractive and well spoken.
It was up to the senior partner to choose one,
so he took each aside and asked,

“Why did you become a lawyer?”

In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took
Paul aside…

“I don’t understand why I was rejected. When
Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer,
I said that I had the greatest respect for the law,
that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution, and
that all I wanted was to do right by my clients.
What in the world did you tell him?”

“I said I became a lawyer because of my hands…”

“Your hands? What do you mean?”

“Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any
money in either of them!”

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“The difference between fiction and reality?
Fiction has to make sense.” Tom Clancy

“I never know what I think about something
until I read what I’ve written on it.” William Faulkner

“I handed in a script last year and the studio
didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t
change was on page 87.” Steve Martin

“It took me fifteen years to discover that I had
no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up
because by that time I was too famous.”
Robert Benchley

“A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth
and that is why we call what he writes fiction.”
William Faulkner

“The freelance writer is the person who is paid
per piece or per word or perhaps.”
Robert Benchley

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition of the Jokes Journal!

In today’s issue:

1) A Pregnant Woman
2) A Beautiful Bronze Sculpture

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into
a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks
the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy
and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in
and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother,
he’s an idiot!”

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
“Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise,” the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name!
Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!”

Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor replies, “Denephew.”

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A man goes into an antique store. After looking at most
of the articles for sale he spots a beautiful bronze sculpture
of a rat. The man is enthralled by the rat and takes it up
to the owner to buy it. “How much for the rat?” he asks
the proprietor.

“Ten bucks for the rat and a thousand bucks for the
story” says the owner.

“Keep the story, I’ll just take the rat” says the guy, who
then pays the owner and walks outside with the rat
under his arm.

Almost immediately a handful of rats fall in line behind
the man and his purchase. The further the man walks,
the more rats that congregate behind him. Eventually
there are so many rats that the man becomes afraid
and runs down to the river that cuts through the town.

At the edge of the river, with all the rats in town squealing
and milling around him, he throws the bronze rat as far
out into the river as he can. Without hesitation all the
rats in town jump into the river to follow the bronze rat
as it sinks to the bottom — and all of the rats drown.

After recovering from the ordeal, the man makes his
way back to the antique store.

“Aha!” says the store owner. “You came back for the
story about the rat.”

“Nope,” says the man. “I was just wondering if you
had a bronze lawyer…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.