Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Sunday Morning
2) Today’s Opportunities
3) Fishing

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed
and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in
with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews
and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is
the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and
says, “You! I can understand why you didn’t run away,
you are in your Lord’s house, you preach against me
everyday and you aren’t afraid of me. But YOU
(points to the farmer), why didn’t you run out scared
like everyone else?”

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls,
“Why, I’m surprised you don’t recognize me…
I’ve been married to your sister for 36 years!”

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A man phones home from his office and tells his wife:

“Something has just come up. I have a chance to go
fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime.
We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing
equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be
home in an hour to pick them up.”

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and
rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have
a good trip, dear?”

He says, “Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my
blue silk pajamas.”

His wife smiles and says, “Oh no, I didn’t. I put them
in your tackle box!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Where is Jesus?
2) Today’s Opportunities
3) Eggplants

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble
down into the water and stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says,
“Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water
and pulls him right back up.

“Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asked.

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit
longer, brings him up and says, “Now brother,
have you found Jesus?”

“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least
30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands,
“For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads,
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

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A grocer put up a sign that read “Eggplants,
25 cents each, three for a dollar.”

All day long, customers came in exclaiming:
“Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!”

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four
eggplants.

The tailor next door had been watching these antics
and finally asked the grocer, “Aren’t you going to fix
the mistake on your sign?”

“What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up
that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) New Record
2) Today’s Opportunities
3) The Stranger And The Golfer

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A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the
wrong number and got a private home instead.

“Do you have ‘Blue Eyes’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’”
she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have
a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as
I want to get.”

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A stranger walks up to him and whispers,
“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his
answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps
this is a good omen and will put him in the right
frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says,
“OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy,
if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes
an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet
another eagle to win. Though he says nothing,
the stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would you be willing to give up the rest of
your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger
walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really
not been fair with you because you don’t know
who I am. I’m the devil and from now on you
will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s
Father O’Malley.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Second Notice
2) Today’s Opportunities
3) Gifted Artist

A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice”
that his taxes were overdue.

Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying
apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send
out first notices. We have found that the second notices
are more effective…”

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what
God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied,

“They will in a minute.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Harvard Gringo
2) Today’s Opportunities
3) First Time in Church

An American consultant was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman
docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin
tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the
quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”

The American then asked, “Why don’t you stay out longer
and catch more fish?

The Mexican said, “Well, I catch enough to feed my family.”

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the
rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play
with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into
the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar
with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor.”

The American scoffed, “I’m a Harvard graduate and could
help you. You should spend more time fishing and with
the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from
the bigger boat you could buy several boats eventually
you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually opening your own cannery.

You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village
and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC
where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long
will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

“But what then, senor?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part.
When the time is right you would announce an IPO
and sell your company stock to the public.
You would make millions.”

“Millions, senor? Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to
a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late,
fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip
wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

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The little girl went to church for the first time.

As she was leaving with her parents, the minister
asked how she had liked church.

“I liked the music,” she replied, “but …
the commercial was too long.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.