Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Teacher, a Garbage Collector and a Lawyer
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Microsoft Air

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer
wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,

“What was the name of the ship that crashed into an
iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly,

“That would be the Titanic.”

St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make
the question a little harder,

“How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie
and answered,

“About 1,500.”

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said

“Name them.”

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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane,
with a couple of very important executives on board.
He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less
than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.
So, he began circling around looking for a landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and
the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall
building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and
shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?”

To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and
proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of
the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the
engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

“Simple,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a
simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent
correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be
Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just
five miles due East.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wedesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Play It Again
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) First Day at School

A violinist is playing a concert at Carnegie Hall.

He finishes the piece. Voices in the audience shout,
“Again! Play it again!”

The violinist is pleased. He plays the piece all the
way through a second time.

“Again!” the voices shout once more. “Play it again!”

The musician’s self-satisfaction knows no bounds:
this is Carnegie Hall, and I’m asked to play not one,
but two encores?

When he finishes, the voices rise yet a third time,
and the same thing happens after several more repetitions …

Incredulous, the violinist finally walks to the front of
the stage and addresses the audience: “Seven encores
of the same piece at Carnegie Hall? It’s unheard of!
Am I that good?”

The audience members shout as one voice:
“You’ll do it until you get it right!”

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The child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come
back tomorrow.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Divorced Barbie
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Counterfeiter

Tim is shopping to find a Barbie for his daughter when
he notices he knows nothing about Barbie and there
aren’t even prices on them. So, Tim brings three Barbie
dolls to the checkout.

“Hi, how may I help you,” says the checkout guy.

Tim replies, “I have three Barbies and I need to know
what they are and how much they cost?”

The checkout guys says, “Well, the first one is
Princess Barbie and she is $20 dollars. The second one
is Forever Barbie and she is $25 dollars. The third is
Divorced Barbie and she is $250.”

“WHAT?” Tim shouts. “Are you kidding me? Why is
Divorced Barbie so much?”

The checkout guy explains, “Well, Divorced Barbie
comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and everything
else Ken owns!”

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A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off
his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some
small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town
with a single general merchandise store.

He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed
one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter.

“Could you change this for me, please?”

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then
smiled at the man.

“Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or
three $6 bills?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) The Good Samaritan & the Drunk
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Meat Market

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he
came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.

Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?”

“Yep”.

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yep”.

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked
“Is this your floor?”

“Yep”.

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t
want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may
think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened
the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went
back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk.

So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?”

“Yep”.

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yep”.

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk.
Then went back downstairs where, to his surprise,
there was another drunk.

So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk
staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer,
protect me from this man.”

“He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs
and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”

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A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for
dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around.

The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the
market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between
the costs of brain meats. A carpenter’s brain sells for $1.50 per
pound. A plumber’s brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed
with alarm that a politician’s brain sells for $375 a pound.

With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge
difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face,
“Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound
of brains?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Very Expensive Monkeys
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Housework Challenged

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the
animals on display. While he was there, another customer
walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop
and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying,
“That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with
his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
“That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only
a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program
in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented
programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really
useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third
monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck
read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one
costs more than all the others put together! What on earth
does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it
do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Auburn.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.