Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Awful Time
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Fast Drinker

“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends.
“First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as
I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics,
and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”

“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.

“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test
I ever had.”

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A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be, buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and
make them doubles.”

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down,
then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone
almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing
all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have, pal?”

The man quickly replies, “I have one dollar.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Drunken Mixup
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) How to Get into Heaven

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he
mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in
the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold,
went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw a man kissing
drunk’s girlfriend.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw the spectacle,
then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That dumb Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk,
he thinks he’s me!”

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him

“How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said,

“Well, I’ll run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming
the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!”’

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A New Kind of Car
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Free Drinks

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

“Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?”one asked.

“He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a
new kind of car,” his co-worker replied.

“How was he going to do it?”

“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy,
seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well,
you get the idea.”

“So what did he end up with?”

“Ten years to life.”

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A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers.
Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers
have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your
word for it.”

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend,
and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says,

“You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two
men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that
they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched
right in the nose.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final customer
responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Blind Man in Texas
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Unpaid Bill

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
“Wow, these seats are big!”

The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in
Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug
placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these
mugs are big!”

The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender
where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead,
he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming
pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
“Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount
of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid.
The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying,

“We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect
phone call,

“Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Emergency Landing
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Proud Father

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk.
After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy
looks at the second guy and says, “Hey, you want to
go up for a ride in my airplane?”

The second guy says, “Wow, you have an airplane?
Let’s go!”

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around
the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this
too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling
around looking for a place to land, and he sees an
airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the
ride, “Let’s land here. It looks like it’s as good a place
as any.”

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at
the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. “Damn!”
he says, “That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever
seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?”

But since it’s the only runway nearby, he decides to
try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend,
“All right, I’m going to try ONE more time, and if
I can’t land it we’re just going to crash and hope
we don’t die.”

So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither
is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy
is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway.

“I’m gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway
and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one
could land on anything that short!”

The second guy looks around and says,

“Yeah, but look how wide it is!”

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife
Mother of Six in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time
to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave
as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,

“Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts
back… “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.