Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Bigger Turkey
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) What’s a Tragedy?

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A woman walks into a butcher’s shop just before
closing time and asks, “Do you have any turkey?”

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only
turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs
six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales
and asks, “Do you have one that’s a bit bigger than
this one, please?”

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and
then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it
on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
The scales now show eight pounds.

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman. “I’ll take both
of them, please!”

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One of the presidential candidates was visiting an
elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat
through began a discussion related to words and
their meanings.

The teacher asked the candidate if he would like
to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.”
So, the candidate asked the class for an example of
a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who
lives next door is playing in the street and a car
comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said the candidate, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone
on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the candidate said. “That’s what we
would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
The candidate searched the room and asked,
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his
hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If your campaign plane,
carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a tragedy?” asked the candidate.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident
and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Unpaid Bill
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Drunken Mixup

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount
of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid.
The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying,

“We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect
phone call,

“Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

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A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he
mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in
the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold,
went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw a man kissing
drunk’s girlfriend.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw the spectacle,
then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That dumb Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk,
he thinks he’s me!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Parrot Technique
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A New Kind of Car

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see
a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks “And get me a whisky, you cow!”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for
the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot
drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky,
you idiot”.

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another
whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the
parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee,
go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been
wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit
by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says,
“For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

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Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

“Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?”one asked.

“He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a
new kind of car,” his co-worker replied.

“How was he going to do it?”

“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy,
seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well,
you get the idea.”

“So what did he end up with?”

“Ten years to life.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Smart Salesman
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Slow Driver

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and
asked:

“Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash
for $200?”

Aghast, the man said, “Are you NUTS? That’s robbery!”

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again:

“Sir, since you are a bit irate, I’ll sell it to you for 1/2 price
at $100.”

Again, the man replies bluntly: “You must be crazy pal,
now go away!”

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out
2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy:

“Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed
you so much.”

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the
guys spits it out and says:

“HEY,” he snarled, “this brownie tastes like crap!”

“It is,” replied the salesman. “Wanna buy some mouthwash?”

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A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway
with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic
but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down
the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was
doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she
moved over to the side and got out of the clump that
soon left her behind.

She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.
Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you
over?”

Her son piped up from the back seat, “I do… because you
couldn’t catch the other cars!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Swimming Lesson
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Flat Tire

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard
how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

“It takes considerable time and technique,” replied the
guard. “First you must take her into the water, then place
one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her
right arm and raise it very slowly…”

“This is certainly most helpful.” said the member. “I know
that my kid sister will appreciate it.”

“Your sister?” said the lifeguard. “In that case, just push
her into the deep end of the pool. She’ll learn in a hurry.”

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A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing
manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows.

They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, “I can’t do anything about this.
It’s a hardware problem.”

The hardware manager says, “Maybe if we turned the car
off and on again, it would fix itself.”

The marketing manager says, “Hey, 75% of it is working.
Let’s ship it!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.