Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Drunken Mixup
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) How to Get into Heaven

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he
mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in
the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold,
went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw a man kissing
drunk’s girlfriend.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw the spectacle,
then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That dumb Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk,
he thinks he’s me!”

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him

“How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said,

“Well, I’ll run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming
the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!”’

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A New Kind of Car
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Free Drinks

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

“Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?”one asked.

“He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a
new kind of car,” his co-worker replied.

“How was he going to do it?”

“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy,
seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well,
you get the idea.”

“So what did he end up with?”

“Ten years to life.”

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A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers.
Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers
have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your
word for it.”

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend,
and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says,

“You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two
men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that
they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched
right in the nose.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final customer
responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) What’s a Tragedy?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Prayer

One of the presidential candidates was visiting an
elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat
through began a discussion related to words and
their meanings.

The teacher asked the candidate if he would like
to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.”
So, the candidate asked the class for an example of
a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who
lives next door is playing in the street and a car
comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said the candidate, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone
on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the candidate said. “That’s what we
would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
The candidate searched the room and asked,
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his
hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If your campaign plane,
carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a tragedy?” asked the candidate.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident
and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

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Dear God, I think you’d be proud of me!

So far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, lusted,
lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
selfish or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I’m going to get …
out of bed. From then on I’m probably going to need
a LOT of help.

Amen.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Just After the Holidays
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Yet Another Witness

It was just after the holidays and the magistrate was in
a happy mood.

He asked the prisoner who was in the dock,
‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping
too early.’

‘That’s no crime’, said the magistrate. ‘Just how early
were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

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At a trial, a lawyer was putting witnesses through
an exacting cross-examination, and was taking
great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that
they did not remember every single detail of a
car accident.

While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect
memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor
inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to
challenge the credibility of honest witnesses.

After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was
looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, “Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you when the accident
happened?”

“I was thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches
away from the point of collision.”

“Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?”
the lawyer asked, sarcastically, “Do you expect us to
believe that your memory is so good, and your sense
of distance is so precise, that months after the accident
you can come into court and give that type of detail?”

The witness was unphased. “Sir, I had a hunch that
some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me
the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was
lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a
tape measure, and measured out the exact distance …”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Moving To A New Office
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Investment Counselor

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm
across the back of my seat.

I hadn’t considered the drive across town …

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside
me became obvious, and I looked across and explained,

“I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window.

“I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

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An investment counselor decided to go out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in,
and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house
counsel. The investment banker began to interview young
lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one
of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward.
“Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “I’m so honest that
my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid
back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the
investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,
“He sued me for the money.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.