Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Christmas Break was Over
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) 21st Birthdays

Christmas break was over and the teacher was asking
the class about their vacations.

She turned to Little Johnny and asked what he did over
the break.

“We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania,”
he replied.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,”
the teacher said. “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said,

“You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio.”

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A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard
stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his
father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able
to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club
across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars’ 21st came around, he and his pal Sven
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out
of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him
to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.

“Grandma,” he asked, “it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t
I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father
before him?”

Granny looked into Lars’ eyes and said,

“Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather
were born in January. You were born in July.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Just After the Holidays
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Yet Another Witness

It was just after the holidays and the magistrate was in
a happy mood.

He asked the prisoner who was in the dock,
‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping
too early.’

‘That’s no crime’, said the magistrate. ‘Just how early
were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

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At a trial, a lawyer was putting witnesses through
an exacting cross-examination, and was taking
great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that
they did not remember every single detail of a
car accident.

While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect
memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor
inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to
challenge the credibility of honest witnesses.

After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was
looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, “Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you when the accident
happened?”

“I was thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches
away from the point of collision.”

“Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?”
the lawyer asked, sarcastically, “Do you expect us to
believe that your memory is so good, and your sense
of distance is so precise, that months after the accident
you can come into court and give that type of detail?”

The witness was unphased. “Sir, I had a hunch that
some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me
the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was
lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a
tape measure, and measured out the exact distance …”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Editor’s Announcement
2) Before Christmas

This is the last issue published in 2011. I wish you…

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before
Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin Christmas this year,
but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father
says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell
they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father,
“You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until
I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be
there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR
ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife,
“Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas ”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Just before Christmas
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Split Luggage

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous
lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a
very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill
lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

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A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh.

At the check-in, he said to the operator, “Now I want
you to send my black case to London and my blue case
to Amsterdam.”

The check-in operator replied, “I’m sorry sir, we can’t
do that!”

“Oh really,” said the student, “that’s what you did the
last time I flew with you!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Holiday Shopping
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Don’t Want to go to School!

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most
expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the
check out counter where she told the check out girl,
“Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas.”

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of
old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants
proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought
it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12
of the most expensive dog cookies – one for each day of
Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she
now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat
dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her
dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger
in the hole.

The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in
the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it
out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,

“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

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Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up.

“Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!”

Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to
school!”

Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!”

Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make
fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me!
I don’t want to go!”

Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to
go to school.”

“Why do I have to go to school?”

Mother replies, “Because you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.