Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Farmer’s Divorce
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Wrong Bus!

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file
for a divorce. The attorney asked “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those
day-vorce’s.”

The attorney said, “well, do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres”.

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand,
do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case,
but I got a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand,
I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got a grudge, that’s where
I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said: “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear to the
church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife
beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way.
Why do you want a divorce?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her.”

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A drunk man got on to a bus late one night,
staggered up the aisle, and slumped down
next to an elderly woman.

She looked the man sternly and said, “I’ve got
news for you young man – you’re going straight
to hell!”

The drunk man jumped up and screamed,
“I’m on the wrong bus!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Son-in-law
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Quiet in Church

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,”
said the man.”To show you how much we care for you, I’m
making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand
the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in
the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand
being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you
half-owner of the organization, but you don’t like factories
and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

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A Sunday school teacher was talking to her young
pupils about how they should behave in church.

“Now,” she said, “who can tell me why you should
be quiet when you are sitting with your parents in
church?”

One little girl put up her hand.

“Yes, Jane, tell everyone why!” said the teacher.

Jane replied, “Because people are trying to sleep!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) The Army of the Lord
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) One Way of Learning

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day,
and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is,
to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and
pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of
the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except
at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

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Son: “What’s the capital of Bolivia?”

Father: “I don’t know.”

Son: “Where was Winston Churchill born?”

Father: “I don’t know.”

Son: “What’s a batracian?”

Father: “I don’t know.”

Mother: “Don’t bother your father.”

Father: “Let him ask questions. How else
is he going to learn?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Touching Biscuits
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Nice Old Lady

Mother:

“Did you eat all the biscuits, Peter?”

Peter:

“I didn’t touch one.”

Mother:

“That’s strange. There’s only one left.”

Peter:

“That’s the one I didn’t touch!”

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There was a nice old lady that was a little old fashioned.
She was planning a vacation in Florida at a particular
campground, but she wanted to make sure of the
accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were toilet
facilities. However, she could not bring herself to write
‘toilet’ in a letter.

After considerable deliberation, she settled on “Bathroom
Commode”, but when she wrote that down it still sounded
too forward so she rewrote the letter to the campground
and referred to the bathroom commode as the ‘BC’.

Upon reading the letter, the campground owner was baffled
by the inquiry for a BC. He showed the letter to several
campers but they couldn’t decipher it either. Finally, the
campground owner figured she must be referring to the local
Baptist Church. And so, he sat down and wrote the following:

“I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I
now take the pleasure to inform you that a BC is located
just nineteen miles north of the campground and is capable
of seating 250 people at a time.

I admit, it is quite a distance away if you’re in the habit of
going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know
that a great number of people take their lunches along and
make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it
was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we
were there. It may interest you to know that right now there
is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They’re going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would say it pains me very much not to be able to go more
regularly. There is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we
grow older, it seems more of an effort particularly in cold
weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I
could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce
you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly
community.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Forest Gump and St. Peter
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Third Baby

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot
about you.” He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting
pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have
to give people an entrance examination before we let
them in.”

“Okay,” said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already
been through a test. My momma used to say,
‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.’ ”

“Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions.
Here they are:

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter T?
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God’s first name?”

“Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy.
Which two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Today and Tomorrow.”

St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t
the answer I was looking for, but you have a point.
I give you credit for that answer.”

“The next question,” said Forest, “How many seconds
are in a year? Twelve.”

“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

“Yes, sir. January second, February second, March second …”

St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean.
I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”

“And the last question,” said Forest, “What is God’s
first name? It’s Andy.”

“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you
come up with Andy?”

“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.”
Forest broke into song, “Andy walks with me,
Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”

St. Peter opened the gate to Heaven and said,
“Run, Forest, Run!”

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three year old came into the room when I was just
getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”

I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in her tummy?”

“I know,” she replied, “but what is growing in your butt?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.