Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) God Will Provide
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Bigger Turkey

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents,
her father invited the young man into his study to find out
more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,”
Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support
children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion.

After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her
father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans,
but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

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A woman walks into a butcher’s shop just before
closing time and asks, “Do you have any turkey?”

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only
turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs
six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales
and asks, “Do you have one that’s a bit bigger than
this one, please?”

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and
then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it
on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
The scales now show eight pounds.

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman. “I’ll take both
of them, please!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) It’s Hard Leaving Mummy
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Good Eyes

A man patted his daughter’s hand fondly, and told her,
“Your young man told me today he wanted you as a
bride, and I gave my consent.”

“Oh, Daddy,” gushed the daughter, “it’s going to be
so hard leaving Mummy.”

“I understand perfectly, my dear,” beamed the man.
“You can take her with you!”

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A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much
worried and all strung out. She rattles off,

“Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning,
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry
and frazzled up. My skin was all wrinkled and pasty,
my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had
this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong
with me, doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,
then calmly says,

“Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with
your eyesight.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Pancake Breakfast
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Stranger and the Golfer

Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter
of neighbours who were going away for the weekend.
On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying
a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child.

“Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast,”
said the eight-year-old.

So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen
and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she
laid in front of the girl.

“No, thank you,” she said.

“But I thought you said your mother always has hot
pancakes for breakfast!” said Mary in surprise.

“She does,” said the child. “But I don’t eat them!”

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A stranger walks up to him and whispers,
“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his
answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps
this is a good omen and will put him in the right
frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says,
“OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy,
if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes
an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet
another eagle to win. Though he says nothing,
the stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would you be willing to give up the rest of
your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger
walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really
not been fair with you because you don’t know
who I am. I’m the devil and from now on you
will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s
Father O’Malley.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Roundabout Way of Putting Things
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Surprising Answer

Daughter: “Do you remember that vase you were
always worried I might break?”

Mother: “What about it?”

Daughter: “Well, your worries are over…”

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage,
he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and
he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in
psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
“What do you mean $200?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Helpless Creature
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Impossible to Please

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall,
when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

“This year,” she says, “I think that I will buy my present
instead of making you and dad shop for me.”

The daughter nods in agreement.

“And I think this fur coat would be perfect too.”

The daughter protests, “But mom, some helpless,
poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this.”

“Don’t worry honey,” says the mother, “your father
won’t get the bill for a couple of weeks.”

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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see
a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads:
“For Women Only.”

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands,
they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them
how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor,
and once you find what you are looking for, you can
stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign
telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are
short and handsome.” Still this isn’t good enough,
so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads:
“All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still
two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are
tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way
to please a woman.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.