Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Holiday Shopping
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Don’t Want to go to School!

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most
expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the
check out counter where she told the check out girl,
“Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas.”

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of
old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants
proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought
it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12
of the most expensive dog cookies – one for each day of
Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she
now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat
dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her
dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger
in the hole.

The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in
the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it
out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,

“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

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Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up.

“Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!”

Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to
school!”

Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!”

Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make
fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me!
I don’t want to go!”

Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to
go to school.”

“Why do I have to go to school?”

Mother replies, “Because you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) The Businessman and the IRS Agent
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Who Keeps the Dog?

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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of
$80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said.
“I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place
is only closed three days a year… and you want to know how
I made $80,000?”

“It’s not the income that bothers us,” the agent said,
“but these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda
for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “Didn’t I mention?
We deliver anywhere…”

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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came
upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between
10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys
were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are
you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood
stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home.
So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the
biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. “You boys
shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed.

He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying,
beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and
ending with, “When I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute.

The smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said,
“All right, give him the dog.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Cut Off the Tail!
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Out of Control Kids

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John took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have
to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “John, why should I do such a
terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law is arriving tomorrow,
and I don’t want anything to make her think
she’s welcome.”

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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence
did not extend to God’s kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and
Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam asked.

“Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit,” God replied.

“Forbidden Fruit? We got a Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve…
we got a Forbidden Fruit!”

“No way! Where?”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Creator and I said so!” said God,
wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break
and was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the ‘First Parent’ asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno,” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“DID so!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was
that Adam and Eve should have children of their own…
thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Unusual Dog
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Birthday Surprise

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Have A Great Day!

A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog
that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck.

Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends
would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his,
a true pessimist, and invited him to hunt with him and
his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of
ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog
responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked
across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting
more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but didn’t say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend,
“Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim!”

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A man walked over to the perfume counter and told
the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his
wife’s birthday.

“A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.

“You bet,” answered the customer. “She’s expecting
a cruise.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Beware of Dog
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Is it Love?

As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a
sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the
glass door.

Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on
the floor beside the cash register.

“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
he asked the owner.

“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly
doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign,
people kept tripping over him!”

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Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love.

“I thought I was in love three times,” Bill says.

“Thought?” Steve asks. “What do you mean?”

“Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who
wanted nothing to do with me,” Bill says.

“Wasn’t that love?” Steve asks.

“No, that was obsession,” Bill explains.

“Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive
woman who didn’t understand me.”

“Wasn’t that love?” asks Steve.

“No, that was lust,” Bill replies.

“And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise.
She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and
had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on
that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of
my stomach.”

“Well, wasn’t that love?” asks Steve.

“No. That was motion sickness!” Bill replies.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.