Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Drunken Mixup
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) How to Get into Heaven

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he
mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in
the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold,
went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw a man kissing
drunk’s girlfriend.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw the spectacle,
then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That dumb Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk,
he thinks he’s me!”

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him

“How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said,

“Well, I’ll run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming
the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!”’

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Farmer’s Divorce
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Wrong Bus!

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file
for a divorce. The attorney asked “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those
day-vorce’s.”

The attorney said, “well, do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres”.

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand,
do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case,
but I got a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand,
I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got a grudge, that’s where
I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said: “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear to the
church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife
beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way.
Why do you want a divorce?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her.”

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A drunk man got on to a bus late one night,
staggered up the aisle, and slumped down
next to an elderly woman.

She looked the man sternly and said, “I’ve got
news for you young man – you’re going straight
to hell!”

The drunk man jumped up and screamed,
“I’m on the wrong bus!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Emergency Landing
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Proud Father

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk.
After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy
looks at the second guy and says, “Hey, you want to
go up for a ride in my airplane?”

The second guy says, “Wow, you have an airplane?
Let’s go!”

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around
the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this
too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling
around looking for a place to land, and he sees an
airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the
ride, “Let’s land here. It looks like it’s as good a place
as any.”

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at
the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. “Damn!”
he says, “That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever
seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?”

But since it’s the only runway nearby, he decides to
try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend,
“All right, I’m going to try ONE more time, and if
I can’t land it we’re just going to crash and hope
we don’t die.”

So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither
is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy
is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway.

“I’m gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway
and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one
could land on anything that short!”

The second guy looks around and says,

“Yeah, but look how wide it is!”

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife
Mother of Six in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time
to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave
as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,

“Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts
back… “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Medical Term Needed
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Beer Logic

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said,

“Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is
wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so
I can tell my wife.”

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The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box
with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked,
“What do you have in there, pal?”

“It’s a mongoose.”

“What have you got that for?”

“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk
I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why
I got this mongoose, for protection.”

“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”

“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior
of the box, “So is the mongoose.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Young Minister
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Car Thieves

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold
a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or
friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country,
and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost;
and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late.

I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped
to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already
in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long but
this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured
out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say
“Amen,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Glory,” I preached, and I
preached, like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the
way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my
car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that
the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and
dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard
one of the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen
anything like this before… and I’ve been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years.”

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A drunk phoned the local police department to report
that thieves had been in his car.

“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start,
the phone rang a second time, and the same voice
came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in
the back seat by mistake.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.