Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Farmer’s Divorce
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Wrong Bus!

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file
for a divorce. The attorney asked “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those
day-vorce’s.”

The attorney said, “well, do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres”.

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand,
do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case,
but I got a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand,
I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got a grudge, that’s where
I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said: “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear to the
church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife
beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way.
Why do you want a divorce?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her.”

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A drunk man got on to a bus late one night,
staggered up the aisle, and slumped down
next to an elderly woman.

She looked the man sternly and said, “I’ve got
news for you young man – you’re going straight
to hell!”

The drunk man jumped up and screamed,
“I’m on the wrong bus!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Truck Driver
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) What do you use to feed your pigs?

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There was a man driving down the road behind
an 18 wheeler.

At every stoplight the trucker would get out of
the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row
the motorist followed him until he pulled into a
parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck
driver once again jumped out and started banging
on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him
and said,

“I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep
banging on that door?”

To which the trucker replied,

“Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries
and a 10 ton limit. So I have to keep half of them
flying at all times.”

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There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs.

One day someone went to the farm and asked the
farmer: “What do you use to feed your pigs?”

“Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that.
Why?”

“Because I am from the Animals Protection Association
and I think you don’t feed them like you should,
they shouldn’t eat wastes.”

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked
the same question.

The farmer answered: “Well, I feed them very well.
I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak … Why?”

“Because I am from the United Nations Organization
and I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that
when there are people dying with nothing to eat.”

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the
same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:

“Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy
whatever they want…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) After the Accident
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Farmer & the State Trooper

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an
intersection.

One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other,

“Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.”

“Thanks,” said the other one, and took a long pull from the
container. “Here, you have one, too,” he added, handing back
the whiskey.

“Well, I’d rather not,” said the first. “At least not until after
the police have been here.”

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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed,
and in general began to throw his weight around to try to
make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got
around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that
he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
his head.

The farmer said, “having some problems with circle flies
there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said “Well
yeah, if that’s what they are? I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says “Well, circle flies are common on
farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re
almost always found circling around the back end of
a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says,
“Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a
horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think
about calling you a horse’s ass.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes
back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says,

“Hard to fool the flies though.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Two Priests & a Cop
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Watermelons

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a cop who said,
“What do you think you are doing? What if you
have an accident?”

One of the priest says, “Don’t worry, my son.
Jesus is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you.
Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

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There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing
pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who
would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his
watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea
that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day,
the kids show up and they saw the sign which read:

“Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been
injected with cyanide”.

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next
to the farmer’s sign.

When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed
that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his
read: “Now there are two!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Gifts For Mom
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Car or a Cow?

Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting
back together they discussed their success and the great
gifts they were able to buy their elderly mother.

“The first son said, “I sent mom a Mercedes.”

The second son said, “I bought mom a mansion.”

The third son smirked and said, “I’ve got you both BEAT!
Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were
young? And you know she can’t see very well anymore?
Well, I sent her an awesome parrot that recites the ENTIRE
Bible! It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this
parrot. He’s one of a kind! Mom now just has to name
the verse and BAM! The parrot recites it!”

Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her
thank you letters.

“Andy,” she wrote, “the house you built is so big and
even though I live in one room, I still have to clean the
whole house.”

“John,” she wrote, “I am too old to travel and spend
most of my time at home, so I never use the Mercedes.

“Mark,” she wrote to her third son, “You are my favorite
son. You have such good sense to know what your mother
likes. The chicken was simply delicious!”

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“Why don’t you buy a car?” says a salesman to a farmer.

“Well I’d rather buy a cow,” answers the farmer.

“You’d look pretty silly riding round on a cow,”
says the salesman.

“Not half as silly as I’d look milking a car,”
says the farmer.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.