Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Sleeping Rough
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) 55

A police chief, a fire chief and a city attorney were traveling
together by car to a municipal management conference in
a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they
were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby
farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that
there were only two spare beds, and that one of them
would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.

After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take
the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door
of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the
police chief standing there, complaining that he could not
sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was
reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.

The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the
police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.
The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn
reminded him of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow that started the
Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep,
he started to have a fireman’s worst nightmare,
that of burning to death.

The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed
to sleep in the barn.

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later,
when another knock was heard at the door. When the
occupants answered the door, there stood the very
indignant cows and pigs…

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Policeman:

“When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to
myself, ‘fifty-five at least.’”

Woman driver:

“Well, you are a long way off! It’s this hat that makes me
look so old!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) What do you use to feed your pigs?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Competition

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs.

One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:
“What do you use to feed your pigs?”

“Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?”

“Because I am from the Animals Protection Association
and I think you don’t feed them like you should,
they shouldn’t eat wastes.”

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the
same question.

The farmer answered: “Well, I feed them very well. I give
them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak … Why?”

“Because I am from the United Nations Organization and
I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that when
there are people dying with nothing to eat.”

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same
question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:

“Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy
whatever they want.”

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A few years ago there were three men’s clothes shops
in the same street. In fact they were next door to each other.

Each shop was naturally in competition with the others.

One day the owner of the first shop put up a notice which
said:

Established 1870 – Only the Best Quality Clothes Sold Here.

The next day, the owner of the third shop put up a notice
which said:

Established 1970 – Latest Fashions.

A few weeks later the owner of the shop in the middle
put up a notice which said:

Main Entrance.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) The Farmer & the State Trooper
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Bum Asks a Man for $2 …

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed,
and in general began to throw his weight around to try to
make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got
around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that
he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
his head.

The farmer said, “having some problems with circle flies
there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said “Well
yeah, if that’s what they are? I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says “Well, circle flies are common on
farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re
almost always found circling around the back end of
a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says,
“Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a
horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think
about calling you a horse’s ass.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes
back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says,

“Hard to fool the flies though.”

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A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”

The bum said, “No.”

The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum said, “No.”

Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me
so my wife can see what happens to a man
who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Watermelons
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Perfect Mate

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing
pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who
would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his
watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea
that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day,
the kids show up and they saw the sign which read:

“Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been
injected with cyanide”.

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next
to the farmer’s sign.

When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed
that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his
read: “Now there are two!”

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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding
on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up,
“Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV …”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Car Or A Cow?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Tomatoes

“Why don’t you buy a car?” says a salesman to a farmer.

“Well I’d rather buy a cow,” answers the farmer.

“You’d look pretty silly riding round on a cow,”
says the salesman.

“Not half as silly as I’d look milking a car,”
says the farmer.

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A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing
in the farmer’s garden.

“I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy
pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like
that one.”

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one,
“Will you take two pennies for that one?”

“Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for
two cents.”

“OK,” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins
in the farmer’s hand, “I’ll pick it up in about a week.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.