Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) God Will Provide
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Bigger Turkey

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents,
her father invited the young man into his study to find out
more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,”
Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support
children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion.

After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her
father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans,
but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

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A woman walks into a butcher’s shop just before
closing time and asks, “Do you have any turkey?”

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only
turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs
six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales
and asks, “Do you have one that’s a bit bigger than
this one, please?”

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and
then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it
on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
The scales now show eight pounds.

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman. “I’ll take both
of them, please!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Pancake Breakfast
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Stranger and the Golfer

Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter
of neighbours who were going away for the weekend.
On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying
a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child.

“Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast,”
said the eight-year-old.

So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen
and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she
laid in front of the girl.

“No, thank you,” she said.

“But I thought you said your mother always has hot
pancakes for breakfast!” said Mary in surprise.

“She does,” said the child. “But I don’t eat them!”

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A stranger walks up to him and whispers,
“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his
answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps
this is a good omen and will put him in the right
frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says,
“OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy,
if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes
an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet
another eagle to win. Though he says nothing,
the stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would you be willing to give up the rest of
your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger
walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really
not been fair with you because you don’t know
who I am. I’m the devil and from now on you
will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s
Father O’Malley.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Christmas Break was Over
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) 21st Birthdays

Christmas break was over and the teacher was asking
the class about their vacations.

She turned to Little Johnny and asked what he did over
the break.

“We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania,”
he replied.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,”
the teacher said. “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said,

“You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio.”

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A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard
stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his
father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able
to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club
across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars’ 21st came around, he and his pal Sven
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out
of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him
to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.

“Grandma,” he asked, “it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t
I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father
before him?”

Granny looked into Lars’ eyes and said,

“Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather
were born in January. You were born in July.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Editor’s Announcement
2) Before Christmas

This is the last issue published in 2011. I wish you…

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before
Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin Christmas this year,
but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father
says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell
they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father,
“You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until
I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be
there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR
ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife,
“Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas ”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Moving To A New Office
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Investment Counselor

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm
across the back of my seat.

I hadn’t considered the drive across town …

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside
me became obvious, and I looked across and explained,

“I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window.

“I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

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An investment counselor decided to go out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in,
and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house
counsel. The investment banker began to interview young
lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one
of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward.
“Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “I’m so honest that
my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid
back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the
investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,
“He sued me for the money.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.