Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Son-in-law
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Quiet in Church

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,”
said the man.”To show you how much we care for you, I’m
making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand
the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in
the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand
being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you
half-owner of the organization, but you don’t like factories
and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

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A Sunday school teacher was talking to her young
pupils about how they should behave in church.

“Now,” she said, “who can tell me why you should
be quiet when you are sitting with your parents in
church?”

One little girl put up her hand.

“Yes, Jane, tell everyone why!” said the teacher.

Jane replied, “Because people are trying to sleep!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) What’s a Tragedy?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Prayer

One of the presidential candidates was visiting an
elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat
through began a discussion related to words and
their meanings.

The teacher asked the candidate if he would like
to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.”
So, the candidate asked the class for an example of
a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who
lives next door is playing in the street and a car
comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said the candidate, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone
on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the candidate said. “That’s what we
would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
The candidate searched the room and asked,
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his
hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If your campaign plane,
carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a tragedy?” asked the candidate.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident
and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

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Dear God, I think you’d be proud of me!

So far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, lusted,
lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
selfish or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I’m going to get …
out of bed. From then on I’m probably going to need
a LOT of help.

Amen.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Pancake Breakfast
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Stranger and the Golfer

Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter
of neighbours who were going away for the weekend.
On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying
a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child.

“Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast,”
said the eight-year-old.

So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen
and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she
laid in front of the girl.

“No, thank you,” she said.

“But I thought you said your mother always has hot
pancakes for breakfast!” said Mary in surprise.

“She does,” said the child. “But I don’t eat them!”

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A stranger walks up to him and whispers,
“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his
answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps
this is a good omen and will put him in the right
frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says,
“OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy,
if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes
an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet
another eagle to win. Though he says nothing,
the stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would you be willing to give up the rest of
your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger
walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really
not been fair with you because you don’t know
who I am. I’m the devil and from now on you
will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s
Father O’Malley.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Holiday Shopping
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Don’t Want to go to School!

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most
expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the
check out counter where she told the check out girl,
“Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas.”

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of
old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants
proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought
it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12
of the most expensive dog cookies – one for each day of
Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she
now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat
dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her
dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger
in the hole.

The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in
the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it
out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,

“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

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Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up.

“Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!”

Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to
school!”

Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!”

Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make
fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me!
I don’t want to go!”

Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to
go to school.”

“Why do I have to go to school?”

Mother replies, “Because you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Gifted Artist
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Smart Salesman

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what
God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied,

“They will in a minute.”

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A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and
asked:

“Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash
for $200?”

Aghast, the man said, “Are you NUTS? That’s robbery!”

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again:

“Sir, since you are a bit irate, I’ll sell it to you for 1/2 price
at $100.”

Again, the man replies bluntly: “You must be crazy pal,
now go away!”

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out
2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy:

“Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed
you so much.”

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the
guy spits it out and says:

“HEY,” he snarled, “this brownie tastes like crap!”

“It is,” replied the salesman. “Wanna buy some mouthwash?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.