Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Bigger Turkey
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) What’s a Tragedy?

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A woman walks into a butcher’s shop just before
closing time and asks, “Do you have any turkey?”

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only
turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs
six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales
and asks, “Do you have one that’s a bit bigger than
this one, please?”

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and
then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it
on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
The scales now show eight pounds.

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman. “I’ll take both
of them, please!”

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One of the presidential candidates was visiting an
elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat
through began a discussion related to words and
their meanings.

The teacher asked the candidate if he would like
to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.”
So, the candidate asked the class for an example of
a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who
lives next door is playing in the street and a car
comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said the candidate, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone
on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the candidate said. “That’s what we
would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
The candidate searched the room and asked,
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his
hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If your campaign plane,
carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a tragedy?” asked the candidate.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident
and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Parrot Technique
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A New Kind of Car

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see
a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks “And get me a whisky, you cow!”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for
the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot
drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky,
you idiot”.

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another
whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the
parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee,
go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been
wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit
by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says,
“For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

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Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

“Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?”one asked.

“He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a
new kind of car,” his co-worker replied.

“How was he going to do it?”

“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy,
seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well,
you get the idea.”

“So what did he end up with?”

“Ten years to life.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Wrong Bus!
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Pancake Breakfast

A drunk man got on to a bus late one night,
staggered up the aisle, and slumped down
next to an elderly woman.

She looked the man sternly and said, “I’ve got
news for you young man – you’re going straight
to hell!”

The drunk man jumped up and screamed,
“I’m on the wrong bus!”

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Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter
of neighbours who were going away for the weekend.
On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying
a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child.

“Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast,”
said the eight-year-old.

So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen
and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she
laid in front of the girl.

“No, thank you,” she said.

“But I thought you said your mother always has hot
pancakes for breakfast!” said Mary in surprise.

“She does,” said the child. “But I don’t eat them!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Quiet in Church
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Blind Man in Texas

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A Sunday school teacher was talking to her young
pupils about how they should behave in church.

“Now,” she said, “who can tell me why you should
be quiet when you are sitting with your parents in
church?”

One little girl put up her hand.

“Yes, Jane, tell everyone why!” said the teacher.

Jane replied, “Because people are trying to sleep!”

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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
“Wow, these seats are big!”

The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in
Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug
placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these
mugs are big!”

The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender
where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead,
he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming
pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
“Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) There’s No Hell?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Two Lucky Patients

A young girl came home from a date looking sad.
She told her mother,

“Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom,
he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied,

“Marry him anyway. Between the two of us …
we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

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In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks
two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them.
If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the
orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.

The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for
her questioning. When Patty came into the office she was
instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

“Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine
you know why you are here. You will be asked two
questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.
Do you understand all that you have been told?” said the
doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor
began to question her.

The first question was this. “Patty, if I was to poke out one
of your eyes, what would happen?” “I would be half blind
of course,” Patty answered without much thought.

“What would happen if I poked out the other eye?”

“I would be completely blind,” said Patty knowing that she
had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside
while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told
Mike what the questions would be and what the correct
answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed
the same procedure that he had with Patty.

“Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off
your ear?” “I would be blind in one eye,” he said remembering
what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from
the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that
he could figure out what the man was thinking.

“Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?”

“I would be completely blind,” he answered with a smile
as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was,
he said flatly,

“Me hat would fall down over me eyes.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.