Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A 92 Year Old Man
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Is God Real?

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down
the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and
said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said, doctor:
‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a
heart murmur. Be careful!”

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An atheist professor was teaching a college class at
Alabama and he told the class that he was going to
prove that there is no God.

He said, “God, if you are real, then I want you to
knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”

Ten minutes went by.

He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am, God.
I’m still waiting.”

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big
240 pound football player in the class walked up to
the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent
him flying from his platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and
yelled, “What’s the matter with you? Why did you
do that?”

The football player replied, “God was busy, so He
sent me.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) God Will Provide
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Bigger Turkey

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents,
her father invited the young man into his study to find out
more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,”
Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support
children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion.

After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her
father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans,
but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

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A woman walks into a butcher’s shop just before
closing time and asks, “Do you have any turkey?”

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only
turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs
six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales
and asks, “Do you have one that’s a bit bigger than
this one, please?”

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and
then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it
on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
The scales now show eight pounds.

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman. “I’ll take both
of them, please!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) What’s a Tragedy?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Prayer

One of the presidential candidates was visiting an
elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat
through began a discussion related to words and
their meanings.

The teacher asked the candidate if he would like
to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.”
So, the candidate asked the class for an example of
a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who
lives next door is playing in the street and a car
comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said the candidate, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone
on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the candidate said. “That’s what we
would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
The candidate searched the room and asked,
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his
hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If your campaign plane,
carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a tragedy?” asked the candidate.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident
and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

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Dear God, I think you’d be proud of me!

So far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, lusted,
lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
selfish or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I’m going to get …
out of bed. From then on I’m probably going to need
a LOT of help.

Amen.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Christmas Prayers
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Mr. Jacobson & the Rescue Team

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were
spending the night at their grandparents’ house.

When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right
thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

“Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a playstation,
a mountain-bike and a telescope.”

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and
said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

“I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!”

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Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures
of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the
slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a
sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just
before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches
with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned,
a rescue team was sent to search for him.

After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave
and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled,

“Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It’s the Red Cross.”

Bristling, the harried executive called back,

“Get lost. I gave at the office!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Gifted Artist
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Smart Salesman

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what
God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied,

“They will in a minute.”

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A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and
asked:

“Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash
for $200?”

Aghast, the man said, “Are you NUTS? That’s robbery!”

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again:

“Sir, since you are a bit irate, I’ll sell it to you for 1/2 price
at $100.”

Again, the man replies bluntly: “You must be crazy pal,
now go away!”

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out
2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy:

“Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed
you so much.”

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the
guy spits it out and says:

“HEY,” he snarled, “this brownie tastes like crap!”

“It is,” replied the salesman. “Wanna buy some mouthwash?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.