Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Customers …
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Just a Little Help

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers.
Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers
have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your
word for it.”

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend,
and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says,

“You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two
men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that
they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched
right in the nose.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final customer
responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

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A cavalryman was galloping down the road,
rushing to catch up with his regiment.

Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him
to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg,
terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier
called out:

“All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the
horse’s back and fell off the other side. Once again
on the ground, he called to the heavens:

“All right, just half of you this time!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Heart Surgeon
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Heaven and Hell

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor
of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon
in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service
manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Doc, can I ask
you a question?”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open
it up, take valves out, fix’em, put in new parts and when I
finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get
a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and
I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered
to the mechanic, “Try doing it while it’s running.”

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There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell.

One day God notices that the devil’s side is in pretty bad
shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds
growing up around it, etc.

So, God hollers over the fence,

“Hey Satan, why don’t you fix up your side of the fence?”

Satan hollers back,

“Why don’t you mind your own business.”

So God says, “I’ll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don’t.”

The devil replies,

“Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Jonah and the Whale
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Adam and Eve

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”

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Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their
husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights,
Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded.
“You’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be awakened by someone poking him
in the chest. It was Eve.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Kids …
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Writing Home

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence
did not extend to God’s kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and
Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam asked.

“Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit,” God replied.

“Forbidden Fruit? We got a Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve…
we got a Forbidden Fruit!”

“No way! Where?”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Creator and I said so!” said God,
wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break
and was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the ‘First Parent’ asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno,” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“DID so!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was
that Adam and Eve should have children of their own…
thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

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One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor
about her son, a college student at the University of Illinois.

“Our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from
him we have to go to the dictionary.”

“You’re lucky,” the neighbor said. “Every time we get a
letter from our son in college, we have to go to the bank!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Congratulations
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Bill Gates in Heaven

An Army major was conducting a field test when
communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped
into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the
command station.

When he and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered
their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward
and shook the major’s hand.

“Don’t congratulate me, sir,” he said modestly as he pointed
to his driver. “It was all the sergeant’s doing.”

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.

“Congratulations,” he said. “The major’s wife just had
a baby girl.”

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Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

St Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny
plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but
servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with
the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and
quiet life in Heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven’s many fine
parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

“That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did
you get it?”

“Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of
these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well.
I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake.
I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course,
tennis courts and three Rolls Royces.”

“Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?”
asked Gates.

“No,” said his new friend, “Actually, I was the captain
of the Titanic.”

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately
stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had
just met, saying, “How could you give me a paltry new
house, while you’re showering new cars, a mansion,
and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented
the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?”

“Yes, we even use Windows here in Heaven,” replied
St Peter, “but, you know, the Titanic only crashed once…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.