Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Drunken Mixup
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) How to Get into Heaven

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he
mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in
the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold,
went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw a man kissing
drunk’s girlfriend.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw the spectacle,
then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That dumb Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk,
he thinks he’s me!”

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him

“How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said,

“Well, I’ll run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming
the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!”’

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Where is Jesus Today?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Living Together

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned
that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Johnny raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
“I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher,
and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Robert how he knew this.

Robert said, “Well…..every morning my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ,
are you still in there?’”

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A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighbourhood.

Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because,
while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside
barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading,
the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest
who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says,

“Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but
maddening smells every Friday evening.

But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind
him of his new diet. They see him standing over the
cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying,

“Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Just a Little Help
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Baby Camel Questions

A cavalryman was galloping down the road,
rushing to catch up with his regiment.

Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him
to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg,
terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier
called out:

“All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the
horse’s back and fell off the other side. Once again
on the ground, he called to the heavens:

“All right, just half of you this time!”

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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when
the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these
huge three toed feet?”

The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across
the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of
the soft sand”.

“OK,” said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have
I got these great long eyelashes?”

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes
on the trips through the desert”.

“Thanks, Mom,” replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks,
“Mom, why have I got these great big humps
on my back?”

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy,
replies “They are there to help us store water for
our long treks across the desert, so we can go
without drinking for long periods.”

“That’s great, mom, so we have huge feet to stop
us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand
from our eyes and these humps to store water.
But Mom …”

“Yes, son?”

“Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Snow Parking
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Jonah and the Whale

Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual morning
cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over
the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and
a snow emergency has been declared. You must park
your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”

Harry got up from his coffee and replied “Well, okay.”

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their
morning cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There
will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency
has been declared. You must park your cars on the even
numbered side of the streets.”

Harry got up from his coffee and replied, “Well, okay.”

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with
their cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There
will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency
has been declared. You must park your cars on the…”
and then the power went off and Harry didn’t get the
rest of the instructions.

He said to Martha, “What am I going to do now, Martha?”

Martha said, “Aw, Harry, just leave the car in the garage.”

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Cut Off the Tail!
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Out of Control Kids

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John took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have
to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “John, why should I do such a
terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law is arriving tomorrow,
and I don’t want anything to make her think
she’s welcome.”

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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence
did not extend to God’s kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and
Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam asked.

“Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit,” God replied.

“Forbidden Fruit? We got a Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve…
we got a Forbidden Fruit!”

“No way! Where?”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Creator and I said so!” said God,
wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break
and was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the ‘First Parent’ asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno,” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“DID so!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was
that Adam and Eve should have children of their own…
thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.