Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Judge’s Announcement
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Reading a Book

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,

“Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15K to swing
the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me
$10K to swing the case her way.

In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5K to the
defense.”

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads
her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am.
What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in
and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Counting Rabbits
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Hunting Flies

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two
rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples
and two apples and another two apples, how many apples
have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two
rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits
have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots
of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home …

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh! Killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Emergency Landing
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Proud Father

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk.
After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy
looks at the second guy and says, “Hey, you want to
go up for a ride in my airplane?”

The second guy says, “Wow, you have an airplane?
Let’s go!”

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around
the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this
too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling
around looking for a place to land, and he sees an
airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the
ride, “Let’s land here. It looks like it’s as good a place
as any.”

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at
the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. “Damn!”
he says, “That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever
seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?”

But since it’s the only runway nearby, he decides to
try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend,
“All right, I’m going to try ONE more time, and if
I can’t land it we’re just going to crash and hope
we don’t die.”

So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither
is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy
is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway.

“I’m gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway
and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one
could land on anything that short!”

The second guy looks around and says,

“Yeah, but look how wide it is!”

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife
Mother of Six in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time
to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave
as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,

“Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts
back… “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Priest and Nun at a Hotel
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Angry Couple

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip
when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed,
so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel
in the town has only one room available.

Priest: “Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem,
under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in
this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.”

Nun: “I think that would be okay.”

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed
place in the room. Ten minutes later…

Nun: “Father, I’m terribly cold.”

Priest: “Okay, I’ll get you a blanket.” (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: “Father, I’m still terribly cold.”

Priest: “Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket.” (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: “Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the
Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just
for this one night.”

Priest: “You’re probably right… get up and get your
own blanket.”

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A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Too Many Instructions
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Walking the Brick

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter.
Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking!
NEVER! Turn them. HURRY UP! Are you CRAZY? Have you
LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him.

“What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t
know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied,

“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m
driving.”

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A policeman on duty saw a man with a brick on a leash.
Being the man that he was, he went over and said,
“Nice dog you’ve got there.”

The man replied, “It’s not a dog, it’s a brick, dummy!”

The policeman said “I’m really sorry for wasting your time”
feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly.

When the policeman was out of sight the man bent down
and whispered to the brick:

“Got him there, didn’t we, Rover?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.