Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Living Together
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Businessman and the IRS Agent

A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighbourhood.

Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because,
while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside
barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading,
the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest
who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says,

“Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but
maddening smells every Friday evening.

But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind
him of his new diet. They see him standing over the
cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying,

“Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish.”

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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of
$80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said.
“I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place
is only closed three days a year… and you want to know how
I made $80,000?”

“It’s not the income that bothers us,” the agent said,
“but these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda
for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “Didn’t I mention?
We deliver anywhere…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Shooting!
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Squeezing Lemons …

At a political meeting a sign had been put up on the
speaker’s platform for the benefit of press photographers.

It said,

“Do not photograph the speakers while they are addressing
the audience. Shoot them as they approach the platform.”

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The local pub was so sure that its barman was the strongest
man around that it offered a standing one thousand dollars
bet that no one could beat him.

The challenge was that the barman would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the
lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one
more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers,
weightlifters and all had failed.

Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles
came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the barman said that it was
only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he
picked up a lemon and started squeezing.

Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man
who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto
the bar…

Everyone looked on in amazement as the barman handed
over the prize and asked,

“What do you do for a living that has given you such
strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?”

“No” the man replied, “I work for IRS.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Great Story
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) No Ears

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“How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa
while your income is so low?” asked the IRS auditor.

“Well,” the taxpayer answered, “while fishing last
summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I
took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and
said, ‘I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea
and I’ll give you the most luxurious villa you have
ever seen’. I threw the fish back to the sea, and
got the villa.”

“How can you prove such an unbelievable story?”

“Well, you can see the villa, can’t you?”

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Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately,
the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk
with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad mentioned that if he so much as hinted anything
about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears
he would get the spanking of his life.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said,
“What a beautiful baby.”

The new mother said, “Thank you, Little Johnny.”

Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.”

“Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the doctor
said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cuz he’d be in trouble
if he needed glasses!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Kangaroo Fence
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Old Pastor

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up
a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just sauntering around
the zoo.

A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the
next enclosure asked the kangaroo,

“How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet,
unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

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An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS
agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands
and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled,
and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered
that the old man would ask them to be with him during his
final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor
had never given any indication that he particularly liked either
one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the
two of us to come here?”

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly,
“Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Pay Up
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Be Careful Following The Crowd

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with
the IRS Tax Auditor who had come to review
his records.

At one point, the auditor exclaimed, “Mr. Carr,
we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live
and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an
obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to
eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin
on his face. “I was afraid you wanted me to pay
with cash.”

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A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the
first time, struggling with the language.

He visits one of the local churches and sits in the
front row. So as not to make a fool of himself,
he decides to pick someone out of the crowd
to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting
next to him in the front pew.

As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the
missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up
to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too.
When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.

Later in the service, the man next to him stands up
again, so the missionary stands up, too.

Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation.
A few people gasp. The missionary looks around
and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.

After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets
the preacher. “I take it you don’t speak Spanish,”
the preacher says.

The missionary replies, “No, I don’t. It’s that obvious?”

“Well yes,” the preacher says. “I announced that the
Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked
the proud father to please stand up…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.