Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Where is Jesus Today?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Living Together

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned
that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Johnny raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
“I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher,
and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Robert how he knew this.

Robert said, “Well…..every morning my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ,
are you still in there?’”

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A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighbourhood.

Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because,
while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside
barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading,
the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest
who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says,

“Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but
maddening smells every Friday evening.

But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind
him of his new diet. They see him standing over the
cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying,

“Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Jesus and Moses
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Mark 17

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his
flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say,

“Jesus is watching you.”

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept
looking for valuables.

He heard again, “Jesus is watching you.”

This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on
a parrot.

He asked, “Did you say that?”

The parrot admitted that he had. “I’m just trying to warn
you, that’s all.”

The burglar sad, “Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you?
What’s your name?”

“Moses.”

“Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot
Moses?”

The bird answered, “I don’t know; I guess the same folks
who would name a Rottweiler Jesus …”

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A minister told his congregation,

“Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help
you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said,

“Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with
my sermon on the sin of lying.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Two Priests & a Cop
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Watermelons

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a cop who said,
“What do you think you are doing? What if you
have an accident?”

One of the priest says, “Don’t worry, my son.
Jesus is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you.
Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

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There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing
pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who
would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his
watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea
that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day,
the kids show up and they saw the sign which read:

“Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been
injected with cyanide”.

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next
to the farmer’s sign.

When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed
that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his
read: “Now there are two!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Honor Thy Brother
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Fishing off the Florida Coast

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get
the first pancake.

Their mother seeing the opportunity for a moral lesson, said,

“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother
have the first pancake. I can wait.’”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

“Ryan, you be Jesus.”

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While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his
boat.

He could swim but his fear of alligators kept him clinging
to the overturned craft.

Seeing an old man standing on the shore, the tourist
shouted, “Are there any alligators round here?”

“No,” the old man answered. “They haven’t been around
for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely
towards the shore.

About halfway, he asked the old man,

“How did you get rid of the alligators?”

“We didn’t do anything,” was the answer. “The sharks
got them.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) The Old Pastor
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Working With the FBI

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS
agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands
and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled,
and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered
that the old man would ask them to be with him during his
final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor
had never given any indication that he particularly liked either
one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the
two of us to come here?”

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly,
“Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”

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The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Peter Thibodeaux!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux’s
house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find nothing.

They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux’s house.

“Hey, Peter! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden
plowed.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.