Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Judge’s Announcement
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Reading a Book

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,

“Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15K to swing
the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me
$10K to swing the case her way.

In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5K to the
defense.”

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads
her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am.
What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in
and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Just After the Holidays
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Yet Another Witness

It was just after the holidays and the magistrate was in
a happy mood.

He asked the prisoner who was in the dock,
‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping
too early.’

‘That’s no crime’, said the magistrate. ‘Just how early
were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

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At a trial, a lawyer was putting witnesses through
an exacting cross-examination, and was taking
great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that
they did not remember every single detail of a
car accident.

While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect
memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor
inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to
challenge the credibility of honest witnesses.

After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was
looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, “Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you when the accident
happened?”

“I was thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches
away from the point of collision.”

“Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?”
the lawyer asked, sarcastically, “Do you expect us to
believe that your memory is so good, and your sense
of distance is so precise, that months after the accident
you can come into court and give that type of detail?”

The witness was unphased. “Sir, I had a hunch that
some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me
the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was
lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a
tape measure, and measured out the exact distance …”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Just before Christmas
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Split Luggage

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous
lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a
very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill
lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

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A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh.

At the check-in, he said to the operator, “Now I want
you to send my black case to London and my blue case
to Amsterdam.”

The check-in operator replied, “I’m sorry sir, we can’t
do that!”

“Oh really,” said the student, “that’s what you did the
last time I flew with you!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Moving To A New Office
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Investment Counselor

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm
across the back of my seat.

I hadn’t considered the drive across town …

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside
me became obvious, and I looked across and explained,

“I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window.

“I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

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An investment counselor decided to go out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in,
and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house
counsel. The investment banker began to interview young
lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one
of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward.
“Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “I’m so honest that
my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid
back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the
investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,
“He sued me for the money.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) An Artist, a Lawyer & a Blogger
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Captain’s Announcement

An artist, a lawyer, and a blogger are discussing
the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with
the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt,
divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The blogger says “It’s the best thing that’s ever
happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress.
My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can
spend all night on the computer!”

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
an announcement over the intercom,

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -
OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came
back on the intercom and said,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier;
but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!”

A passenger in the plane said,

“That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.