Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Winning Nobel Prize
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Waiting at the Pearly Gates

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots
a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices
that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing,
looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out
to the farmer and asks him,

“Ah, excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize…
to people who are out standing in their field.”

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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up
a conversation.

“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel
to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second
man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all
your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very
calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of
drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you,
how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man.
“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me,
so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone,
knitting. I rushed down to the basement,
but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the
second floor, but found no one there either.
I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just
as I got there, I had a massive heart attack
and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so
ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer,
we’d both be still alive.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A 92 Year Old Man
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Is God Real?

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down
the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and
said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said, doctor:
‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a
heart murmur. Be careful!”

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An atheist professor was teaching a college class at
Alabama and he told the class that he was going to
prove that there is no God.

He said, “God, if you are real, then I want you to
knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”

Ten minutes went by.

He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am, God.
I’m still waiting.”

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big
240 pound football player in the class walked up to
the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent
him flying from his platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and
yelled, “What’s the matter with you? Why did you
do that?”

The football player replied, “God was busy, so He
sent me.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) On a Deserted Island
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Old Mom

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
“It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,
“It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
“It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman,
wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy
and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,
“Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had
a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her
right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
“And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got
golf clubs in there!”

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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman
has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the
newest member of their family. When they ask to see
the baby, the 65 year old mother says, “Not yet.”

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the
mother says, “Not yet.”

Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”

And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”

So they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

The new mother says, “I forgot where I put it.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Refill
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Couple of Young Boys

This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks
the waitress: “How much is the coffee?”

“Coffee is three dollars,” the waitress said.

“How much is a refill?” the man asked.

“Free,” said the waitress.

“Then I’ll take a refill.”

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A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond
off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden
jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and
started running through the woods.

The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and
stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his
breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

“Let’s see your fishin’ license, boy!” the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the
Game Warden a valid fishing license.

“Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about
as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from
me if you have a valid license!”

“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back
there, well, … he doesn’t have one.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) God Will Provide
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Bigger Turkey

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents,
her father invited the young man into his study to find out
more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,”
Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support
children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion.

After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her
father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans,
but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

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A woman walks into a butcher’s shop just before
closing time and asks, “Do you have any turkey?”

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only
turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs
six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales
and asks, “Do you have one that’s a bit bigger than
this one, please?”

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and
then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it
on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
The scales now show eight pounds.

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman. “I’ll take both
of them, please!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.