Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Young Minister
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Car Thieves

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold
a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or
friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country,
and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost;
and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late.

I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped
to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already
in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long but
this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured
out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say
“Amen,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Glory,” I preached, and I
preached, like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the
way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my
car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that
the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and
dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard
one of the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen
anything like this before… and I’ve been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years.”

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A drunk phoned the local police department to report
that thieves had been in his car.

“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start,
the phone rang a second time, and the same voice
came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in
the back seat by mistake.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Jesus and Moses
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Mark 17

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his
flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say,

“Jesus is watching you.”

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept
looking for valuables.

He heard again, “Jesus is watching you.”

This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on
a parrot.

He asked, “Did you say that?”

The parrot admitted that he had. “I’m just trying to warn
you, that’s all.”

The burglar sad, “Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you?
What’s your name?”

“Moses.”

“Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot
Moses?”

The bird answered, “I don’t know; I guess the same folks
who would name a Rottweiler Jesus …”

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A minister told his congregation,

“Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help
you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said,

“Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with
my sermon on the sin of lying.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) 50th Wedding Anniversary
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Slow-Witted Country Boy

With a Pete soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary
at the church’s marriage marathon, the minister asked him to
take a few minutes and share some insight into how he
managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all
these years.

The husband replied to the audience, “Well, I treated her
with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her
traveling on special occasions.”

The minister inquired “Trips to where?”

“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”

The minister then said, “What a terrific example you are
to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you’re
going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”

Pete smirked and says, “I’m going to go get her.”

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A slow-witted country boy got off the train with a
face white as a sheet. A friend asked him what
was wrong.

“Motion sickness,” answered the country boy.
“Whenever I travel by train, I feel sick when I sit
with my back to the engine.”

“Why didn’t you ask the man sitting opposite you
to change places?” said the friend.

“I thought of that,” replied the country boy,
“but there wasn’t anybody there…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Bus Accident
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Minister, the Priest and a Rabbi

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one
survived the accident except a monkey which was on board
and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate
further but they get no results.

At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey
seems to respond to their questions with gestures.
Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, “What were the people doing
on the bus?”

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and
starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing
and having fun.

The chief asks, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?”.

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth
as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, “Oh! They were drinking, huh?!”
The chief continues, “Okay, were they doing
anything else?”

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back
and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, “If they were having such
a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?”

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides
as if grabbing a wheel…

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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day.
It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when
they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries
while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an
open area, who should come along but a group of ladies
from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the
priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back
on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he
covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my
congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Rude Parrot
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Health Minister

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was
fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t
expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could
think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook
the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot
in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there
was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm
and said, “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with
my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness.
I will endeavor to correct my behavior.”

David was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude,
and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic
change, when the parrot continued,

“Now, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?”

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The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward.
He asks the head of psychology,

“How do you determine if a patient is cured?”

The psychologist explains:

“We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with
water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask
them to empty the bathtub.”

“I see,” says the health minister, “The cured person
would choose the cup because it`s bigger,
and would empty the tub faster.”

“Actually no,” replies the psychologist,
“A normal person would simply pull the plug.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.