Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) On a Deserted Island
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Old Mom

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
“It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,
“It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
“It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman,
wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy
and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,
“Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had
a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her
right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
“And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got
golf clubs in there!”

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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman
has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the
newest member of their family. When they ask to see
the baby, the 65 year old mother says, “Not yet.”

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the
mother says, “Not yet.”

Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”

And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”

So they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

The new mother says, “I forgot where I put it.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Drunken Mixup
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) How to Get into Heaven

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he
mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in
the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold,
went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw a man kissing
drunk’s girlfriend.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw the spectacle,
then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That dumb Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk,
he thinks he’s me!”

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him

“How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said,

“Well, I’ll run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming
the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!”’

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Wandering Around the Campus of a College
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Hammer Fall

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college
looking for the library.

He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me,
young man. Would you be good enough and tell me
where the library is at?”

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone,
replied, “I’m sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught
never to end a sentence with a preposition!”

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone
replied, “I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase
my question. Would you be good enough to tell me
where the library is at, dummy?”

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Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily.

His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb
with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears.

“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother.
“I know you’re upset, but a big boy like you
shouldn’t cry at something like that.
Why didn’t you just laugh?”

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Pancake Breakfast
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Stranger and the Golfer

Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter
of neighbours who were going away for the weekend.
On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying
a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child.

“Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast,”
said the eight-year-old.

So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen
and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she
laid in front of the girl.

“No, thank you,” she said.

“But I thought you said your mother always has hot
pancakes for breakfast!” said Mary in surprise.

“She does,” said the child. “But I don’t eat them!”

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A stranger walks up to him and whispers,
“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his
answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps
this is a good omen and will put him in the right
frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says,
“OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy,
if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes
an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet
another eagle to win. Though he says nothing,
the stranger moves to his side and says,
“Would you be willing to give up the rest of
your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger
walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really
not been fair with you because you don’t know
who I am. I’m the devil and from now on you
will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s
Father O’Malley.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) After the New Year’s Eve Party
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) New Record

A few days after the New Year’s Eve party, a mother
was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you
sons of guns who want off, get the heck off now,
cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of guns
who are getting on, get your behinds in the train, cause
we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use
that kind of language in this house. Now I want you
to go to your room and you are to stay there for
TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom
and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say,

“All passengers who are disembarking from the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with
you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
“For those of you who are annoyed about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the witch in the kitchen.”

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A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the
wrong number and got a private home instead.

“Do you have ‘Blue Eyes’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’”
she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have
a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as
I want to get.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.