Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Judge’s Announcement
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Reading a Book

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,

“Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15K to swing
the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me
$10K to swing the case her way.

In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5K to the
defense.”

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads
her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am.
What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in
and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) An Immigrant from Poland
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Happy Groom

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York
City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was
planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he
asked, “How sure are you that she is gonna kill you?
Did she threaten to kill you?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did you hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill you?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?”

“No.”

“Then why did you think she’s gonna kill you?” asked the
exasperated police officer.

“Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna
poison me!” He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle
and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said,

“What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle said
‘Polish Remover’?”

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“Congratulations, my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure
you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day
of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his
nephew.

“I know,” replied the uncle. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Slow Driver
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Swimming Lesson

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway
with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic
but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down
the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was
doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she
moved over to the side and got out of the clump that
soon left her behind.

She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.
Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you
over?”

Her son piped up from the back seat, “I do… because you
couldn’t catch the other cars!”

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A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard
how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

“It takes considerable time and technique,” replied the
guard. “First you must take her into the water, then place
one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her
right arm and raise it very slowly…”

“This is certainly most helpful.” said the member. “I know
that my kid sister will appreciate it.”

“Your sister?” said the lifeguard. “In that case, just push
her into the deep end of the pool. She’ll learn in a hurry.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Mean Old Woman
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Night Watchman

An old man and woman were married for years, even though
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,
screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up
and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest
of your life!”

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences
that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone’s relief,
he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial,
she went straight home and began to party as if there was
no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you
afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of
your life?”

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old man dig.
I had him buried upside down.”

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Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard
in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal
from it at night, so they created a night watchman position
and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?” So they created a planning position
and hired two people: one person to write the instructions
and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman
is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C.
position and hired two people, one to do the studies
and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to
get paid?” So they created the following positions,
a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all
of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired
three people: an Admin. Officer, an Assistant Admin. Officer
and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in
operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget,
we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night
watchman.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Trucker’s Revenge
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Congratulations

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A trucker was sitting at the lunch counter eating his morning
eggs and hash browns when some bikers walked in.

One walked up and put his finger in the trucker’s coffee
and said, “That’s not very hot, is it?”

Another put his finger in the trucker’s scrambled eggs and
said, “Not very fluffy, either, huh?”

After a few moments of silence, the trucker stood up,
paid his bill and left the diner.

“Not much of a man, was he?” said the first biker to the
waitress.

“You’re right about that,” she replied, “and not much of a
driver either. He just ran over a bunch of motorcycles.

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An Army major was conducting a field test when
communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped
into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the
command station.

When he and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered
their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward
and shook the major’s hand.

“Don’t congratulate me, sir,” he said modestly as he pointed
to his driver. “It was all the sergeant’s doing.”

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.

“Congratulations,” he said. “The major’s wife just had
a baby girl.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.