Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Bidding Higher
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Disappointment

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid
on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught
up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid
higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won
the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer,
“I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid
this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry.” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk.
Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

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A handsome, unmarried boss called his secretary into his
office one Friday afternoon.

“Miss Burden,” he said, “what are you doing on Sunday night?”

“Nothing, sir,” she answered, moving a little closer to him.
“Nothing at all.”

“Then try to be at the office a little earlier on Monday.
We’ve got plenty to do in the morning,” said the boss.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Jesus and Moses
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Mark 17

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his
flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say,

“Jesus is watching you.”

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept
looking for valuables.

He heard again, “Jesus is watching you.”

This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on
a parrot.

He asked, “Did you say that?”

The parrot admitted that he had. “I’m just trying to warn
you, that’s all.”

The burglar sad, “Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you?
What’s your name?”

“Moses.”

“Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot
Moses?”

The bird answered, “I don’t know; I guess the same folks
who would name a Rottweiler Jesus …”

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A minister told his congregation,

“Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help
you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said,

“Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with
my sermon on the sin of lying.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) The Parrot
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) No Tapping

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to
find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off,
the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers
on the plane.

The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot
squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!”

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings
back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee
for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and
screams:

“Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!”

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another
coke, but still no coffee…

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the
parrot’s approach.

“I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now,
or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a
Victorian tea party!”

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed
and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security
guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says:
“You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask
him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the
car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped
centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the
driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that
a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Its okay, that’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving
a funeral van for the last 25 years…

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Gifts For Mom
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Car or a Cow?

Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting
back together they discussed their success and the great
gifts they were able to buy their elderly mother.

“The first son said, “I sent mom a Mercedes.”

The second son said, “I bought mom a mansion.”

The third son smirked and said, “I’ve got you both BEAT!
Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were
young? And you know she can’t see very well anymore?
Well, I sent her an awesome parrot that recites the ENTIRE
Bible! It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this
parrot. He’s one of a kind! Mom now just has to name
the verse and BAM! The parrot recites it!”

Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her
thank you letters.

“Andy,” she wrote, “the house you built is so big and
even though I live in one room, I still have to clean the
whole house.”

“John,” she wrote, “I am too old to travel and spend
most of my time at home, so I never use the Mercedes.

“Mark,” she wrote to her third son, “You are my favorite
son. You have such good sense to know what your mother
likes. The chicken was simply delicious!”

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“Why don’t you buy a car?” says a salesman to a farmer.

“Well I’d rather buy a cow,” answers the farmer.

“You’d look pretty silly riding round on a cow,”
says the salesman.

“Not half as silly as I’d look milking a car,”
says the farmer.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Legal Parrots
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) At the Military Base

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop
owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch
and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”

“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.

The owner says “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal
research.”

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told
that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything
the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a
legal brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about
the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless
to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”

To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen
him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

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It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant
was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a
piece of paper:

“Ames” “Here!”

“Jenson” “Here!”

“Jones” “Here!”

“Magersky” “Here!”

“Seeback”

No answer.

“Seeback!”

No answer was heard again.

“SEEBACK!” The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear.
He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly
turned over the list and continued calling the names
printed on the other side.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.