Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) An Immigrant from Poland
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Happy Groom

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York
City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was
planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he
asked, “How sure are you that she is gonna kill you?
Did she threaten to kill you?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did you hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill you?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?”

“No.”

“Then why did you think she’s gonna kill you?” asked the
exasperated police officer.

“Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna
poison me!” He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle
and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said,

“What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle said
‘Polish Remover’?”

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“Congratulations, my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure
you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day
of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his
nephew.

“I know,” replied the uncle. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) The Escape Artist
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Useless Investigation

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a
ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next
morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was
extended to twenty feet. But again the kangaroo was
out the next morning.

Frustrated zoo officials built a fence forty feet high.

A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How much higher do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet I guess …
unless somebody starts locking the gate!”

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The authorities at the docks in a Scottish town were
worried about the number of things that had been
stolen recently.

So they decided to ask the police to try and catch the
thieves.

One policeman near the entrance had to search every
worker going in and out of the docks.

One man kept passing with a wheelbarrow full of straw.
The policeman searched him thoroughly every time but
found nothing. Yet he was sure that this man was
stealing something.

Weeks later, when the police investigation was over,
the policeman met the worker in a pub.

“Listen,” said the policeman, “I can’t arrest you now,
because the investigation is over. But I’m sure you
were stealing something. What was it?”

“Wheelbarrows,” said the man.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Young Minister
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Car Thieves

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold
a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or
friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country,
and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost;
and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late.

I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped
to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already
in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long but
this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured
out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say
“Amen,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Glory,” I preached, and I
preached, like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the
way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my
car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that
the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and
dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard
one of the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen
anything like this before… and I’ve been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years.”

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A drunk phoned the local police department to report
that thieves had been in his car.

“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start,
the phone rang a second time, and the same voice
came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in
the back seat by mistake.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) White Hairs
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Pope Drives

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One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother
do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

Curious, the little girl looked at her mother and asked,
“Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something
wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this for a while and then asked,
“Mom, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”

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After getting all of Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo
(and he doesn’t travel light), the driver noticed that the
Pope was still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Eminence,” said the driver, “Would you
please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” said the Pope, “they never let
me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job!
And what if something should happen?” protested the driver.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision
when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff accelerated
to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleaded the worried
driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the police patrol
in his side mirror, so he pulled over.

The cop approached the limo, peered in through the windows,
then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.

He called in and explained to the chief that he had a very
important person pulled over for speeding.

“How do I handle this, chief?” asked the trooper.

“Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief.

“No! This guy is even more important!”

“Is it the President?” asked the chief.

“No! Even more important!”

“Well, who the heck is it?” screamed the chief.

“I don’t know, sir,” replied the trooper, “but he’s got the
Pope as his chauffeur.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Shopping on a Budget
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Pickup Truck Full of Penguins

A husband and his wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their
cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a
$20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.”
replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser
and it’s half the price.”

On the PA system:

“Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.”

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup
truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around
with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo
immediately.”

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around
with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing
sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands:

“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo
yesterday?”

The guy replies:

“I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.