Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Living Together
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Businessman and the IRS Agent

A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighbourhood.

Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because,
while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside
barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading,
the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest
who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says,

“Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but
maddening smells every Friday evening.

But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind
him of his new diet. They see him standing over the
cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying,

“Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish.”

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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of
$80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said.
“I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place
is only closed three days a year… and you want to know how
I made $80,000?”

“It’s not the income that bothers us,” the agent said,
“but these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda
for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “Didn’t I mention?
We deliver anywhere…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Denounce the Devil!
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Bidding Higher

The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey
into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil!
Let him know how little you think of his evil!”

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the
devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading …
I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid
on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught
up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid
higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won
the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer,
“I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid
this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry.” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk.
Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Four Catholic Mothers
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) What $2 Can Buy?

Four Catholic mothers are having coffee together
discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’”.

The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a
bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
‘Your Grace’”.

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put
you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’”.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle “Well…?”

She replies, “Whenever my son walks into a room,
women say, ‘My God…’”

“Whaaat …? What is your son?”

“My son is … a gorgeous, tall, hardbodied, muscular …
male stripper.”

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His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny:

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to
spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do
with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s
sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV,
you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also
go skating, any time you want to.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Disappointment
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Priest and Nun at a Hotel

A handsome, unmarried boss called his secretary into his
office one Friday afternoon.

“Miss Burden,” he said, “what are you doing on Sunday night?”

“Nothing, sir,” she answered, moving a little closer to him.
“Nothing at all.”

“Then try to be at the office a little earlier on Monday.
We’ve got plenty to do in the morning,” said the boss.

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A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip
when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed,
so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel
in the town has only one room available.

Priest: “Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem,
under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in
this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.”

Nun: “I think that would be okay.”

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed
place in the room. Ten minutes later…

Nun: “Father, I’m terribly cold.”

Priest: “Okay, I’ll get you a blanket.” (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: “Father, I’m still terribly cold.”

Priest: “Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket.” (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: “Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the
Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just
for this one night.”

Priest: “You’re probably right… get up and get your
own blanket.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Special Cure
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Confession

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering
from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills,
but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that
didn’t do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and
take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open
all the windows and stand in the draft.”

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get
pneumonia.”

“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”

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Matthew goes into a confessional box and says “Bless me
father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest says “is that you Matthew?”

“Yes father, it is I.”

“Who was the woman you were with?”

“I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation.”

The priest asks “Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“No father.”

“Was it Fiona MacDonald?”

“No father.”

“Was it Ann Brown?”

“No father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest says “I admire your perseverance but you must
atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers
and four Hail Marys.”

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides
over and asks “What did you get?”

Matthew replies “I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys
and … three good leads.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.