Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Son-in-law
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Quiet in Church

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,”
said the man.”To show you how much we care for you, I’m
making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand
the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in
the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand
being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you
half-owner of the organization, but you don’t like factories
and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

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A Sunday school teacher was talking to her young
pupils about how they should behave in church.

“Now,” she said, “who can tell me why you should
be quiet when you are sitting with your parents in
church?”

One little girl put up her hand.

“Yes, Jane, tell everyone why!” said the teacher.

Jane replied, “Because people are trying to sleep!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) What’s a Tragedy?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Prayer

One of the presidential candidates was visiting an
elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat
through began a discussion related to words and
their meanings.

The teacher asked the candidate if he would like
to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.”
So, the candidate asked the class for an example of
a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who
lives next door is playing in the street and a car
comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said the candidate, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone
on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the candidate said. “That’s what we
would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
The candidate searched the room and asked,
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his
hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If your campaign plane,
carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a tragedy?” asked the candidate.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident
and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

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Dear God, I think you’d be proud of me!

So far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, lusted,
lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
selfish or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I’m going to get …
out of bed. From then on I’m probably going to need
a LOT of help.

Amen.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Holiday Shopping
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Don’t Want to go to School!

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most
expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the
check out counter where she told the check out girl,
“Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas.”

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of
old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants
proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought
it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12
of the most expensive dog cookies – one for each day of
Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she
now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat
dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her
dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger
in the hole.

The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in
the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it
out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,

“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

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Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up.

“Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!”

Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to
school!”

Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!”

Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make
fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me!
I don’t want to go!”

Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to
go to school.”

“Why do I have to go to school?”

Mother replies, “Because you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Where is Jesus Today?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Living Together

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned
that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Johnny raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
“I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher,
and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Robert how he knew this.

Robert said, “Well…..every morning my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ,
are you still in there?’”

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A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighbourhood.

Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because,
while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside
barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading,
the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest
who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says,

“Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but
maddening smells every Friday evening.

But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind
him of his new diet. They see him standing over the
cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying,

“Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) What $2 Can Buy?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Who broke down the walls of Jericho?

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny:

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to
spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do
with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s
sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV,
you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also
go skating, any time you want to.”

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The visiting Bible school supervisor asks Little Johnny during
Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible
knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole
incident.

The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his
whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny
said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that
it is the truth.”

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional
Head of Education and relates the whole story…

After listening he replies:

“I can’t see why you are making such a big issue
out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.