Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Refill
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Couple of Young Boys

This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks
the waitress: “How much is the coffee?”

“Coffee is three dollars,” the waitress said.

“How much is a refill?” the man asked.

“Free,” said the waitress.

“Then I’ll take a refill.”

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A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond
off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden
jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and
started running through the woods.

The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and
stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his
breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

“Let’s see your fishin’ license, boy!” the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the
Game Warden a valid fishing license.

“Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about
as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from
me if you have a valid license!”

“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back
there, well, … he doesn’t have one.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) God Will Provide
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Bigger Turkey

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents,
her father invited the young man into his study to find out
more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,”
Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support
children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion.

After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her
father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans,
but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

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A woman walks into a butcher’s shop just before
closing time and asks, “Do you have any turkey?”

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only
turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs
six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales
and asks, “Do you have one that’s a bit bigger than
this one, please?”

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and
then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it
on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
The scales now show eight pounds.

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman. “I’ll take both
of them, please!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Just After the Holidays
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Yet Another Witness

It was just after the holidays and the magistrate was in
a happy mood.

He asked the prisoner who was in the dock,
‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping
too early.’

‘That’s no crime’, said the magistrate. ‘Just how early
were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

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At a trial, a lawyer was putting witnesses through
an exacting cross-examination, and was taking
great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that
they did not remember every single detail of a
car accident.

While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect
memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor
inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to
challenge the credibility of honest witnesses.

After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was
looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, “Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you when the accident
happened?”

“I was thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches
away from the point of collision.”

“Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?”
the lawyer asked, sarcastically, “Do you expect us to
believe that your memory is so good, and your sense
of distance is so precise, that months after the accident
you can come into court and give that type of detail?”

The witness was unphased. “Sir, I had a hunch that
some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me
the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was
lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a
tape measure, and measured out the exact distance …”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Two Lucky Patients
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Heart Surgeon

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks
two of its most reformed patients and questions them.
If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the
orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.

The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for
her questioning. When Patty came into the office she was
instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

“Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine
you know why you are here. You will be asked two
questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.
Do you understand all that you have been told?” said the
doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor
began to question her.

The first question was this. “Patty, if I was to poke out one
of your eyes, what would happen?” “I would be half blind
of course,” Patty answered without much thought.

“What would happen if I poked out the other eye?”

“I would be completely blind,” said Patty knowing that she
had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside
while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told
Mike what the questions would be and what the correct
answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed
the same procedure that he had with Patty.

“Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off
your ear?” “I would be blind in one eye,” he said remembering
what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from
the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that
he could figure out what the man was thinking.

“Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?”

“I would be completely blind,” he answered with a smile
as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was,
he said flatly,

“Me hat would fall down over me eyes.”

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor
of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon
in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service
manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Doc, can I ask
you a question?”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open
it up, take valves out, fix’em, put in new parts and when I
finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get
a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and
I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered
to the mechanic, “Try doing it while it’s running.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Beloved Rock Garden
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Hospital Regulations

The telephone rang in the fire station office.

The duty fireman picked up the receiver.

“Is this the fire station?” asked a timid voice.

“Yes, that’s right,” replied the fireman eagerly.

“Well,” continued the voice, “I’ve just had a new rock
garden built, and I’ve put in some new plants.”

“WHERE’S THE FIRE?” yelled the fireman.

“Some of these new plants are very expensive, you know,
and …”

“Look here,” said the fireman, “you want the flower shop.”

“No, I don’t,” said the voice, “you see, my neighbour’s
house is on fire and I don’t want your firemen to trample
all over my rock garden when you come here.”

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed
with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my
help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
wheel him to the elevator. At the exit I asked him if his wife
was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.