Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) After the New Year’s Eve Party
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) New Record

A few days after the New Year’s Eve party, a mother
was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you
sons of guns who want off, get the heck off now,
cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of guns
who are getting on, get your behinds in the train, cause
we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use
that kind of language in this house. Now I want you
to go to your room and you are to stay there for
TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom
and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say,

“All passengers who are disembarking from the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with
you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
“For those of you who are annoyed about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the witch in the kitchen.”

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A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the
wrong number and got a private home instead.

“Do you have ‘Blue Eyes’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’”
she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have
a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as
I want to get.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Editor’s Announcement
2) Before Christmas

This is the last issue published in 2011. I wish you…

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before
Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin Christmas this year,
but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father
says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell
they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father,
“You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until
I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be
there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR
ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife,
“Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas ”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Holiday Shopping
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Don’t Want to go to School!

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most
expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the
check out counter where she told the check out girl,
“Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas.”

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of
old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants
proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought
it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12
of the most expensive dog cookies – one for each day of
Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she
now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat
dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her
dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger
in the hole.

The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in
the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it
out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,

“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

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Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up.

“Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!”

Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to
school!”

Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!”

Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make
fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me!
I don’t want to go!”

Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to
go to school.”

“Why do I have to go to school?”

Mother replies, “Because you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Do Something Nice!
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Rabbit & the Bear

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Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who
lived far away called his brother and told him,

“Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid.

The next month, he got another bill for $200, which he also
paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man
called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something
nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

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Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,
to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit,
and on the other side lived the bear.

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump,
enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard
someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

“Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I’ve got
something to show you!”

“Not now! I’m eating.”

“Oh come on!” said the rabbit. “It’s really important.”

“No way.”

“Please. It’s urgent.”

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide
river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the
other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got
there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

“Well, rabbit,” he panted. “What did you want to tell me?”

“Hey, Teddy,” said the rabbit, “look how many berries
are on the other side of the river…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Just a Little Help
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Baby Camel Questions

A cavalryman was galloping down the road,
rushing to catch up with his regiment.

Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him
to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg,
terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier
called out:

“All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the
horse’s back and fell off the other side. Once again
on the ground, he called to the heavens:

“All right, just half of you this time!”

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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when
the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these
huge three toed feet?”

The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across
the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of
the soft sand”.

“OK,” said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have
I got these great long eyelashes?”

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes
on the trips through the desert”.

“Thanks, Mom,” replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks,
“Mom, why have I got these great big humps
on my back?”

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy,
replies “They are there to help us store water for
our long treks across the desert, so we can go
without drinking for long periods.”

“That’s great, mom, so we have huge feet to stop
us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand
from our eyes and these humps to store water.
But Mom …”

“Yes, son?”

“Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.