Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Drunken Mixup
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) How to Get into Heaven

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he
mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in
the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold,
went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw a man kissing
drunk’s girlfriend.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw the spectacle,
then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That dumb Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk,
he thinks he’s me!”

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him

“How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said,

“Well, I’ll run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming
the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!”’

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Bill Gates in Heaven
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) A Cheap Jaguar

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

St Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny
plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but
servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with
the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and
quiet life in Heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven’s many fine
parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

“That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did
you get it?”

“Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of
these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well.
I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake.
I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course,
tennis courts and three Rolls Royces.”

“Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?”
asked Gates.

“No,” said his new friend, “Actually, I was the captain
of the Titanic.”

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately
stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had
just met, saying, “How could you give me a paltry new
house, while you’re showering new cars, a mansion,
and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented
the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?”

“Yes, we even use Windows here in Heaven,” replied
St Peter, “but, you know, the Titanic only crashed once…”

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An advert in a local newspaper offered a brand-new Jaguar
for sale for only 100 bucks.

On spotting this, a keen motorist decided to call round to
the address given. He arrived to find a very large house
in a wealthy area.

The door was opened by an attractive woman in her late
forties who showed him the Jaguar, which was indeed
brand-new.

Of course he snapped it up and after handing over the one
hundred bill asked

“Why are you selling this car so cheaply? You could
probably have got at least 50,000 for it.”

“Well,” the woman explained, “my husband died recently
and in his will he left strict instructions that the proceeds
from the sale of his car were to go to his 20-year-old
secretary…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Forest Gump and St. Peter
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Third Baby

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot
about you.” He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting
pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have
to give people an entrance examination before we let
them in.”

“Okay,” said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already
been through a test. My momma used to say,
‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.’ ”

“Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions.
Here they are:

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter T?
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God’s first name?”

“Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy.
Which two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Today and Tomorrow.”

St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t
the answer I was looking for, but you have a point.
I give you credit for that answer.”

“The next question,” said Forest, “How many seconds
are in a year? Twelve.”

“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

“Yes, sir. January second, February second, March second …”

St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean.
I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”

“And the last question,” said Forest, “What is God’s
first name? It’s Andy.”

“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you
come up with Andy?”

“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.”
Forest broke into song, “Andy walks with me,
Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”

St. Peter opened the gate to Heaven and said,
“Run, Forest, Run!”

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three year old came into the room when I was just
getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”

I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in her tummy?”

“I know,” she replied, “but what is growing in your butt?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Why Drink That Whiskey?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Gate Between Heaven & Hell

A Scotsman went into a pub in London and asked for a
glass of his favourite whiskey.

Unfortunately they did not have any.

The barman proposed another whiskey.

“Look,” he said, “this one is recommended by King
George V, King George VI, Edward VI and Edward VII.”

“I’d rather not drink that,” said the Scot. “Those men are
all dead!”

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St. Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and
Hell and found a broken hinge.

He walked over to the “Pit” and called to the Devil.

The Devil says, “Yeah, whaddya want..?”.

St. Peter: “The hinge is broken and it’s your turn to fix it.”

The Devil retorted: “Gee, I am a bit busy and don’t have
anyone available for this.”

St. Peter got angry, “Look, we have an agreement,
and it’s your turn to fix the gate!”

The Devil responded, “Sorry Pete, it’s our peak season
and there just isn’t anyone available.”

St. Peter turned red and exclaimed,
“Ok, if that’s the way you want it, we’ll sue!”

A big grin broke out on the Devil’s face, “Oh yeah,
and just where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) How Much Is Two Plus Two?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Lie Clocks

A university committee was selecting a new dean.

They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician,
an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview:
“How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally
answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and
motioned silently for the committee members to gather
close to him.

In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied,
“How much do you want it to be?”

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A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your
clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s,” replied St. Peter. “The hands
have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told
only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s my congressman’s clock?” asked the man.

“It’s in my office. I’m using it as a ceiling fan!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.