Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Son-in-law
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Quiet in Church

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,”
said the man.”To show you how much we care for you, I’m
making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand
the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in
the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand
being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you
half-owner of the organization, but you don’t like factories
and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

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A Sunday school teacher was talking to her young
pupils about how they should behave in church.

“Now,” she said, “who can tell me why you should
be quiet when you are sitting with your parents in
church?”

One little girl put up her hand.

“Yes, Jane, tell everyone why!” said the teacher.

Jane replied, “Because people are trying to sleep!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Where is Jesus Today?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Living Together

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned
that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Johnny raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
“I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher,
and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Robert how he knew this.

Robert said, “Well…..every morning my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ,
are you still in there?’”

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A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighbourhood.

Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because,
while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside
barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading,
the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest
who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says,

“Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but
maddening smells every Friday evening.

But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind
him of his new diet. They see him standing over the
cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying,

“Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Car Privileges
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Behind the Enemy Lines

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The mother and father had just given their teenage
daughter family-car privileges.

On Saturday night she returned home very late
from a party…

The next morning her father went out to the driveway
to get the newspaper and came back into the house
frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into
the kitchen, and her father asked her,

“Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?”

“Not too late, dad.” she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, “Then, my precious one,
I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my
paper under the front tire of the car.”

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Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had
learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build
a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent
bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were
saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?”
his mother asked.

“Well, no, mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did,
you’d never believe it!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A Proper Lady
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Kangaroo Fence

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services
and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday,
an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew
right behind her.

He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they
were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and
said, “Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Yes, that would be nice,” the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the
finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at
her and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before
dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said our circumspect fine example of southern
womanhood, “What ever would I tell my Sunday School
class?”

Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn’t say
much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of
cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh my goodness no!,” said the woman “I couldn’t face
my Sunday School class if I did.”

Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his
car and as he was driving the lady’s home, they passed
the local Holiday Inn.

He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured
he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with,

“Ahhh, mmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears, and did a fast
U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel
and checked in.

The next morning after a wild and passionate night,
the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely
Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse
thought, “What have I done?”

He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you
one thing, whatever are you going to tell your
Sunday School class?”

The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them…

‘You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a
good time’”

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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up
a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just sauntering around
the zoo.

A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the
next enclosure asked the kangaroo,

“How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet,
unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Behaviorist Solution
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Church Etiquette

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years
for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under
his bed.

It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s
sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor,
and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the
psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe’s former psychoanalyst meets
his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to
find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

“Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amesome! I’m cured!”

“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says.
“You seem to be doing much better. How?”

“I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically,
“and he cured me in just ONE session!”

“One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

“Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.”

“A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he
cure you in one session?”

“Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of
my bed.”

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children,
as they were on the way to church service,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied,

“Because people are sleeping…”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.