Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Judge’s Announcement
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Reading a Book

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,

“Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15K to swing
the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me
$10K to swing the case her way.

In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5K to the
defense.”

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads
her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am.
What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in
and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Just After the Holidays
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Yet Another Witness

It was just after the holidays and the magistrate was in
a happy mood.

He asked the prisoner who was in the dock,
‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping
too early.’

‘That’s no crime’, said the magistrate. ‘Just how early
were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

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At a trial, a lawyer was putting witnesses through
an exacting cross-examination, and was taking
great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that
they did not remember every single detail of a
car accident.

While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect
memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor
inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to
challenge the credibility of honest witnesses.

After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was
looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, “Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you when the accident
happened?”

“I was thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches
away from the point of collision.”

“Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?”
the lawyer asked, sarcastically, “Do you expect us to
believe that your memory is so good, and your sense
of distance is so precise, that months after the accident
you can come into court and give that type of detail?”

The witness was unphased. “Sir, I had a hunch that
some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me
the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was
lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a
tape measure, and measured out the exact distance …”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) What Happened to Your Ears?
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) The Three Kick Rule

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears
and she answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone
rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally
picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”

“Oh dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But what
happened to your other ear?”

“The idiot called back!”

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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.
He shot and a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the
other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence,
an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him
what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck
and it fell in this field, and now I’m going into retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are
not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial
attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck,
I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t
know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves
under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements
like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and
then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth,
until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest
and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer
slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his
knees where he immediately vomited. The geezer’s second
kick nearly ripped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister
was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney
nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful
will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old
coot now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can
keep the duck.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Jury Duty
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Getting Married

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted
to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he
could think of but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot.
As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could
approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial
because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one
look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and
that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty,
guilty, guilty’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay
on this jury!”

The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just
the kind of juror we are looking for — a good judge of
character. That man is his lawyer.”

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Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy : It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any
worries or troubles.

Girl : Well that is because we aren’t married yet.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Tuesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Justice Triumphs
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Slogans

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult
business case. The client, who had attended
the trial, was out of town when the jury came
back with its decision, which was for the
lawyer and his client.

The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to
his client, reading, “Justice has triumphed!”

The client wired back, “Appeal at once!”

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A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans
in a college advertising and marketing class.

“Joe,” he asked, “which company has the slogan,
‘Come fly the friendly skies’?”

“United.” Joe answered.

“Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan,
“Don’t leave home without it?”

Brenda answered with the correct credit card company
with no difficulty.

“Now John, tell me who uses the slogan, ‘Just do it’?”

John was quiet for a moment before answering, “Mom?”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.