Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Judge’s Announcement
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Reading a Book

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,

“Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15K to swing
the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me
$10K to swing the case her way.

In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5K to the
defense.”

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads
her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am.
What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in
and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) A New Secretary
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Great Steaks

A guy walked into his friend’s office. He found his friend
sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

“Hey, what’s up with you?”, he asked.

“Oh, its my wife,” replied the man sadly. “She’s hired a
new secretary for me.”

“Well, nothing wrong in that,” he said, “Is she blonde or
brunette?”

“Neither. He’s bald.”

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A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d
eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided
to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious
as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After
looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily,
for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out
some of the smallest steaks they’d ever seen.

“Now see here,” the very embarrassed guy said to the
waiter. “Yesterday, when I came down here you served
me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my
friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the
meaning of this?”

“Yes, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting
by the window.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Wednesday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Farmer’s Divorce
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Wrong Bus!

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file
for a divorce. The attorney asked “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those
day-vorce’s.”

The attorney said, “well, do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres”.

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand,
do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case,
but I got a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand,
I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got a grudge, that’s where
I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said: “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear to the
church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife
beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way.
Why do you want a divorce?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her.”

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A drunk man got on to a bus late one night,
staggered up the aisle, and slumped down
next to an elderly woman.

She looked the man sternly and said, “I’ve got
news for you young man – you’re going straight
to hell!”

The drunk man jumped up and screamed,
“I’m on the wrong bus!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Thursday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) After the New Year’s Eve Party
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) New Record

A few days after the New Year’s Eve party, a mother
was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you
sons of guns who want off, get the heck off now,
cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of guns
who are getting on, get your behinds in the train, cause
we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use
that kind of language in this house. Now I want you
to go to your room and you are to stay there for
TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom
and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say,

“All passengers who are disembarking from the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with
you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
“For those of you who are annoyed about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the witch in the kitchen.”

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A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the
wrong number and got a private home instead.

“Do you have ‘Blue Eyes’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’”
she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have
a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as
I want to get.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Editor’s Announcement
2) Before Christmas

This is the last issue published in 2011. I wish you…

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before
Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin Christmas this year,
but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father
says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell
they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father,
“You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until
I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be
there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR
ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife,
“Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas ”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.