Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) On a Deserted Island
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Old Mom

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
“It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,
“It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
“It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman,
wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy
and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,
“Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had
a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her
right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
“And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got
golf clubs in there!”

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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman
has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the
newest member of their family. When they ask to see
the baby, the 65 year old mother says, “Not yet.”

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the
mother says, “Not yet.”

Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”

And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”

So they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

The new mother says, “I forgot where I put it.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Judge’s Announcement
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Reading a Book

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,

“Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15K to swing
the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me
$10K to swing the case her way.

In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5K to the
defense.”

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads
her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am.
What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in
and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Monday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) Counting Rabbits
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Hunting Flies

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two
rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples
and two apples and another two apples, how many apples
have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two
rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits
have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots
of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home …

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh! Killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) God Will Provide
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Bigger Turkey

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents,
her father invited the young man into his study to find out
more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,”
Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support
children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion.

After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her
father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans,
but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

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A woman walks into a butcher’s shop just before
closing time and asks, “Do you have any turkey?”

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only
turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs
six pounds.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales
and asks, “Do you have one that’s a bit bigger than
this one, please?”

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and
then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it
on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
The scales now show eight pounds.

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman. “I’ll take both
of them, please!”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.

Welcome to Friday’s Edition!

In today’s issue …

1) It’s Hard Leaving Mummy
2) Today’s Opportunity
3) Good Eyes

A man patted his daughter’s hand fondly, and told her,
“Your young man told me today he wanted you as a
bride, and I gave my consent.”

“Oh, Daddy,” gushed the daughter, “it’s going to be
so hard leaving Mummy.”

“I understand perfectly, my dear,” beamed the man.
“You can take her with you!”

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A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much
worried and all strung out. She rattles off,

“Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning,
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry
and frazzled up. My skin was all wrinkled and pasty,
my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had
this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong
with me, doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,
then calmly says,

“Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with
your eyesight.”

Thank you for reading today’s issue of JOKES Journal.